OBJECTION!
Is a word you will be hearing a lot when you play Ace Attorney: Investigations. While this information is barely relevant, yelling objection is something that I have always wanted to do.
'Why, of glorious Viking Gamer?' I hear you ask.
Well, dear friends, had the gaming gods not chosen me to write about their glorious bounty as only a Viking can, I would have become a Viking lawyer, defending the rights of oppressing and oppressed Vikings.
I had studied all the most Famous Viking cases, my favourite being Helmer vs Isak in the great "I'm sure he was the one who stole my axe before the raid" case which resulted in an entire populous being disowned from their native lands, the future generations of these people forced to endure hardships in a land inhospitable in all ways possible (the most friendly of the native fauna will, in the very least, mug you [look up Grednel Sheep: The worlds most hardened sheep]). An apology was sent when Helmer found his axe under his bed.
Because Viking court must be held in the middle of a battlefield, and the consequences can be disastrous (see above for disinherited populous [PS he's still very sorry]), Vikings must only take the MOST SERIOUS OF CONCERNS before the judge. The Viking lawyers arguing for or defending their clients then engage in battle, not with each other, but with the population of a village or town or city or metropolis depending on the seriousness of the case. The winner is determined either by their ability to logically deduce their cases into an informative and coherent argument which sways the judge into accepting their versions of the event, or their ability in decimating a village or town etc. It's not unusual that Vikings will argue whilst destroying the environment they're placed in as to gain the best advantage possible.
Imagine, if you would, the Viking Gamer as a lawyer. There are only two words I would need to win any case.
Dragon. Punch.
Ace Attorney is a series of investigative/lawyering games that has a range of characters and events you must use your wits, logic and intellect to solve.
While it doesn't exactly reach the professional, delicate and sensitive nature of the Viking law system, it does give us a lot of the experiences that most point and click games have not managed to achieve.
As all of my experience of point and clicks has been on the computer, the first thing I want to say is that the difference between the DS and the computer is amazing. The DS is able to give the player an immersion which is almost impossible to do with a computer. Maybe it's the fact you can travel with the DS, or the pen makes you feel smarter (I know it makes me feel smarter) there is a certain personalization and sense of importance attached to playing the game in this way.
With puzzle point and click games there are only three elements that I explore to determine whether its worth my time playing.
The first is the flow of the game. Some point and clicks I've played have taken so, SOOO long to play due to slow dialogue or clumsy untuned animation which makes experimenting and solving puzzles take as much time as it does for my beard to grow. This is approximately half an hour, and is in some ways not so bad as I need something to do to wait for my beard to grow, so I can plait it and turn up to the raid properly attired (beards are a very important part of attire [imagine your a peasant being raided and Viking WITHOUT A PLAITED BEARD killed you! You'd die of embarrassment and shame.]).
The flow of Ace Attorney is smooth and follows a traditional anime dialogue and action speed. Follows it to a T. I don't really get that saying, but the T it definitely follows.
Depending on how a character speaks and what they say will determine how quickly the less important dialogue appears, and in the case of Ace Attorney, it manages to mimic traditional anime dialogue almost perfectly. Even the ARRRGH's and NOOOOOO's and HOOOOOW?'s seem to last the right amount of time.
The important dialogue, on the other hand, appears at a pace that makes us realise we have to take note of what's being said without the added frustration of being so slow we tear out our eyes in frustration. While the speed and the flow of the dialogue may not seem so important, in a point and click it is of the utmost importance. There are lives at stake. Imagine if you yourself made a point and click that was excruciatingly slow, and someone, say, a Viking, found out where you lived and burnt your house to the ground with your family and gaming consoles inside, you'd feel silly wouldn't you? WOULDN'T YOU!?
The speed and flow of the different chapters of investigation are incredibly well done as well. Each one could be sped through quite readily if you already knew what you had to do. However, if you're not using a walkthrough (which would be stupid, why would you even waste your money? Its a point and click! There is no point [forgive the pun if that is one] to a point and click you know the answers to!) the case requires the player to come up with a reasonable rationale for their various assumptions and logic driven answers, which of course, takes up time, and in my case not that much time because I am a Viking AND a genius.
The second thing to judge is the difficulty+tools. The tools I speak of are not the likes of Kyle Sandiland, but rather refers to the ease and accessibility of important information in the game.
If a puzzle game is incredibly difficult to solve, then it doesn't matter if the tools are great and easy to use because they won't help you in any way can only end in frustration and the disinheritance of an entire population. If the game is very easy but the tools are complex, illogical and almost impossible to navigate, then it can only end with frustration, tears and me curled up in the foetal position in a land where I have just disinherited the local population.
Ace Attorney is only difficult if you don't pay attention and don't give it time, and if you don't it will punish you accordingly. Making mistakes take away from your 'truth' bar and once that reaches 0, you start again. This can be incredibly frustrating if you haven't saved for a while or you are in the middle of destroying a testimony.
The tools are always available for perusing and give you the information you need readily if you are actually prepared to take the time to look for it.
I think this is Ace Attorney's best attribute. It doesn't give you the answers in any way, but the information is always there. It helps you help yourself, like if you've lost your weapon, and you headbutt a peasant who was carrying a pitchfork. You now have a pitchfork for a weapon!
The last, and most important part of any point and click puzzle game is the storyline. You can forgive a shitty flow and speed, forgive difficulty and faulty tools if the storyline makes you really want to continue.
With Ace Attorney, I want to know what the hell is going on. A series of murders, a series of unlikely and extremely entertaining characters and a series of HOOOOOOOOW?'s make this game an interactive anime where the players dedication and achievements push the storyline forward. In effect, you are the awesome attorney Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth, and his arguments and deductive reasoning are your own.
I won't mention any of the story, because it will be up to you, amateur Prosecutor, HOOOOOOOOOOW you figure out who is behind the murders, robberies and suspicious circumstances surrounding the affairs.
I give this game four OBJECTIONS! out of five. This is a good thing. I'm not objecting to the game. Look, if I don't theme the scores to the game then I would just have to use regular numbers, and they're boring. Can numbers move my longboat? No! Can objections move my longboat? NO! So do you see what I'm saying?
Do you?
Til next time, the gamer with horns on his hat.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Deathspank
Before I begin this review, it is absolutely imperative I let my dedicated readers know of an atrocity that has been committed against me, the Viking Gamer. Why anyone would have anything against someone as awesome, awe-inspiring and awfully handsome as me is something for Odin to look into, because only an omniscient being would be able to work out that derailed and delusional trail of thought.
It turns out a multi-national corporation has banned my site, someway, somehow, and now my good and true followers are unable to view my written word while they're at their work places. WELL MULTI-NATIONAL CORPORATION, DO YOU GET YOUR EMPLOYEES TO GIVE UP THEIR RELIGION!? DO YOU REFUSE THEM FOOD AND WATER!? DO YOU, AS A COMPANY, HAVE SEVERE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!?
In my humblest opinion, I am the shining light and the only reason to live for my readers. I can only imagine the pain it must cause the victims of this ban, staring at their blank screens, praying for a quick death, craving to know what the man with the horned hat is writing while they waste their lives not looking at my website.
'But Viking Gamer, surely you could Dragon Punch them all into oblivion!' I hear you cry out in your wheezy, not so sexy voices.
I could Dragon Punch them, yes, but then what? Should I just Dragon Punch every corporation that bans my site till there are none left? Turn civilization as we know it into a smouldering wreck because people were denied their intrinsic right to have the only meaningful life they could?
The answer is yes. However, with no corporations there is no industry, with no industry there are no games, and with no games there is no Viking Gamer, only Viking, and genericism is death.
I have already drafted two letters concerning the issue to be sent to this corporation (now referred to as Evil Corp), and they go something like this:
Dear Evil Corp,
Fuck you.
NOT sincerely, The Viking Gamer
P.S. Fuck you.
This first approach reaches the crux of the issue quickly, and while it doesn't suggest any way to solve said issue, just getting the message out there makes me feel better already. The second is a more reasoned argument:
Dear Evil Corp,
I would like to say Fuck You, but as that is unprofessional, I won't say Fuck You Evil Corp. Instead I will only ask why it is you have decided to ban my site from being viewed from your offices. Surely you realise the daily monotony of work is soul-crushing, and that I, the Viking Gamer, am the only sliver of light in your workers dismal and boring lives?
Could it be possible that the MASSES of followers I have (fourteen and counting) beats your following (of two sick children being coerced and a small goat from Kirghistan that has a speech impediment) and as such you feel as if your collective penis is smaller than mine? If that's what you think, you no longer have to worry, as my penis IS bigger than yours, collectively.
Sincerely (NOT) yours,
The Viking Gamer
The second does relate to a subliminal problem that has not been raised openly, and I feel would put the matter to rest. As soon as I send this, I have no doubt that within the week that Evil Corp will un-ban my site, grovel before me and beg to kiss my horned hat, which I will refuse because that is unhygienic.
Onto business. Deathspank is awesome.
I give it 4.5 out of five, til next time, the game with horns on his hat.
Depending on the reaction to this new system of review, I might keep it this way. Realistically, my word is undeniable (just look at the hat), and as such, if I say a game is 4.5 out of 5, it IS 4.5 out of 5.
I mean why bother telling you about Deathspanks humorous dialogue? The fun and quirky battle system? The amount of fun your casual gamer can get from it?
The first thing I must impress upon you, my dear reader, is that Deathspank is a game based on humour.
Deathspank is our mighty hero, armed with versatile and aptly named weaponry we embark on an adventure to obtain an artifact only known as...The Artifact!
To reach the artifact we must complete missions given to us by the downtrodenneded (Deathspanks word, not mine), get stronger and more powerfully awesome and equip ourselves with an increasingly absurdly named and looking armoury.
Due to a technology glitch, the pictures and video of the game play I wanted to have on the screen have not come to pass, but I promise, on my grandmothers frail limbs (stay away from her you villainous dragon slayers) that when I can get it up I will (hahahahaha what an impotent man says to his lover).
While your character is 3d, most of the environment isn't. It's quite like a diorama, the trees and rocks and houses are all 2d, but your enemies and the ground are all explorable goodness. It has the artistic style of a comic and the cheesy and left-field dialogue to match it.
To give an example of the dialogue, here is Deathspank on the mermaid army he defeated:
Deathspank: You know I once defeated an entire mermaid army!
Witch: I didn't know that mermaids had armies.
Deathspank: Well it was more like a militia. Perhaps they were just salmon, but damn they were sexy.
Yes, yes and fucking yes. Hilarious. Flowing. It doesn't get old and Deathspank is undeniably funny and Deathspank-ish to all those he encounters. Too many games get caught up in what a character should say, rather than figuring out what they would say. Darksiders (which was an awful, AWFUL game) is a really good example of this and also when people are paid too much and do a shitty job. Characters are characters, it doesn't matter if it's in a game or movie, and they need to actually show some individuality and process of thought with their communication.
The game play is really, really fun. Because you can equip four weapons at a time, each having a different effect and super hit, swinging aimlessly has never had more longevity. After discovering this, I have made the rationale that Deathspank must be derived from observations of Vikings. Where else would someone get the idea that a solitary man can wield four weapons simultaneously? I personally have four on me while I sleep, and six while I'm in the shower.
My favourite weapon I've used thus far has been the log-sword, the caption describing it reading:
'Is it a log with a sword in it or a sword with a log in it?'
The weapons 'super hits' add a really fun way to break up the constant button mashing, and using a weapon that is basically a shoe on a stick to stun a circle of enemies around you is not only amusing and effective for game play, the colours and the wide area of effect make this game loud and bright and most of all, FUN. It really appeals to the inner child who wants to see his actions on a game be BIG.
More awesometastically, we can also assign different tools and weapons to the d-pad. Mine currently has potions, ice-blocks and a chicken gun attached. Yes, you can shoot chickens, and god they are effective.
Deathspank succeeds in the characters appearance where many games have failed. All of the armour you can obtain looks awesome when equipped, and mix and matching doesn't make you look like my cousin the bi-polar beserker when he gets into his aunts (my mothers) closet. It has that WoW charm where everything is exaggerated and child-like, and is thus (embarrassingly) always appealing.
As for the game itself, it's separated into blocks of plot and story. Starting out in one square of the map, completing x number of missions will lead you to another block, and so the story progresses in about hour sequences. After playing Demon's Souls, this game is sort of like a vacation, as I don't have to worry about dying or finding new weapons etc, all I really have to worry about is having as much fun as possible and tacos. The reason I bring up tacos is now, somehow, I have to find a way to make an old mans (Deathspank: I was only telling the truth, you are old and a man, but mostly old) taco extra spicy.
To leave off, Deathspank is loud, funny, colourful and stress-free. Only available to buy online, it's an absolute must at only $20.
On that note, I must leave, because this taco thing is much too intriguing to ignore.
Til next time, the gamer with horns on his hat.
It turns out a multi-national corporation has banned my site, someway, somehow, and now my good and true followers are unable to view my written word while they're at their work places. WELL MULTI-NATIONAL CORPORATION, DO YOU GET YOUR EMPLOYEES TO GIVE UP THEIR RELIGION!? DO YOU REFUSE THEM FOOD AND WATER!? DO YOU, AS A COMPANY, HAVE SEVERE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!?
In my humblest opinion, I am the shining light and the only reason to live for my readers. I can only imagine the pain it must cause the victims of this ban, staring at their blank screens, praying for a quick death, craving to know what the man with the horned hat is writing while they waste their lives not looking at my website.
'But Viking Gamer, surely you could Dragon Punch them all into oblivion!' I hear you cry out in your wheezy, not so sexy voices.
I could Dragon Punch them, yes, but then what? Should I just Dragon Punch every corporation that bans my site till there are none left? Turn civilization as we know it into a smouldering wreck because people were denied their intrinsic right to have the only meaningful life they could?
The answer is yes. However, with no corporations there is no industry, with no industry there are no games, and with no games there is no Viking Gamer, only Viking, and genericism is death.
I have already drafted two letters concerning the issue to be sent to this corporation (now referred to as Evil Corp), and they go something like this:
Dear Evil Corp,
Fuck you.
NOT sincerely, The Viking Gamer
P.S. Fuck you.
This first approach reaches the crux of the issue quickly, and while it doesn't suggest any way to solve said issue, just getting the message out there makes me feel better already. The second is a more reasoned argument:
Dear Evil Corp,
I would like to say Fuck You, but as that is unprofessional, I won't say Fuck You Evil Corp. Instead I will only ask why it is you have decided to ban my site from being viewed from your offices. Surely you realise the daily monotony of work is soul-crushing, and that I, the Viking Gamer, am the only sliver of light in your workers dismal and boring lives?
Could it be possible that the MASSES of followers I have (fourteen and counting) beats your following (of two sick children being coerced and a small goat from Kirghistan that has a speech impediment) and as such you feel as if your collective penis is smaller than mine? If that's what you think, you no longer have to worry, as my penis IS bigger than yours, collectively.
Sincerely (NOT) yours,
The Viking Gamer
The second does relate to a subliminal problem that has not been raised openly, and I feel would put the matter to rest. As soon as I send this, I have no doubt that within the week that Evil Corp will un-ban my site, grovel before me and beg to kiss my horned hat, which I will refuse because that is unhygienic.
Onto business. Deathspank is awesome.
I give it 4.5 out of five, til next time, the game with horns on his hat.
Depending on the reaction to this new system of review, I might keep it this way. Realistically, my word is undeniable (just look at the hat), and as such, if I say a game is 4.5 out of 5, it IS 4.5 out of 5.
I mean why bother telling you about Deathspanks humorous dialogue? The fun and quirky battle system? The amount of fun your casual gamer can get from it?
The first thing I must impress upon you, my dear reader, is that Deathspank is a game based on humour.
Deathspank is our mighty hero, armed with versatile and aptly named weaponry we embark on an adventure to obtain an artifact only known as...The Artifact!
To reach the artifact we must complete missions given to us by the downtrodenneded (Deathspanks word, not mine), get stronger and more powerfully awesome and equip ourselves with an increasingly absurdly named and looking armoury.
Due to a technology glitch, the pictures and video of the game play I wanted to have on the screen have not come to pass, but I promise, on my grandmothers frail limbs (stay away from her you villainous dragon slayers) that when I can get it up I will (hahahahaha what an impotent man says to his lover).
While your character is 3d, most of the environment isn't. It's quite like a diorama, the trees and rocks and houses are all 2d, but your enemies and the ground are all explorable goodness. It has the artistic style of a comic and the cheesy and left-field dialogue to match it.
To give an example of the dialogue, here is Deathspank on the mermaid army he defeated:
Deathspank: You know I once defeated an entire mermaid army!
Witch: I didn't know that mermaids had armies.
Deathspank: Well it was more like a militia. Perhaps they were just salmon, but damn they were sexy.
Yes, yes and fucking yes. Hilarious. Flowing. It doesn't get old and Deathspank is undeniably funny and Deathspank-ish to all those he encounters. Too many games get caught up in what a character should say, rather than figuring out what they would say. Darksiders (which was an awful, AWFUL game) is a really good example of this and also when people are paid too much and do a shitty job. Characters are characters, it doesn't matter if it's in a game or movie, and they need to actually show some individuality and process of thought with their communication.
The game play is really, really fun. Because you can equip four weapons at a time, each having a different effect and super hit, swinging aimlessly has never had more longevity. After discovering this, I have made the rationale that Deathspank must be derived from observations of Vikings. Where else would someone get the idea that a solitary man can wield four weapons simultaneously? I personally have four on me while I sleep, and six while I'm in the shower.
My favourite weapon I've used thus far has been the log-sword, the caption describing it reading:
'Is it a log with a sword in it or a sword with a log in it?'
The weapons 'super hits' add a really fun way to break up the constant button mashing, and using a weapon that is basically a shoe on a stick to stun a circle of enemies around you is not only amusing and effective for game play, the colours and the wide area of effect make this game loud and bright and most of all, FUN. It really appeals to the inner child who wants to see his actions on a game be BIG.
More awesometastically, we can also assign different tools and weapons to the d-pad. Mine currently has potions, ice-blocks and a chicken gun attached. Yes, you can shoot chickens, and god they are effective.
Deathspank succeeds in the characters appearance where many games have failed. All of the armour you can obtain looks awesome when equipped, and mix and matching doesn't make you look like my cousin the bi-polar beserker when he gets into his aunts (my mothers) closet. It has that WoW charm where everything is exaggerated and child-like, and is thus (embarrassingly) always appealing.
As for the game itself, it's separated into blocks of plot and story. Starting out in one square of the map, completing x number of missions will lead you to another block, and so the story progresses in about hour sequences. After playing Demon's Souls, this game is sort of like a vacation, as I don't have to worry about dying or finding new weapons etc, all I really have to worry about is having as much fun as possible and tacos. The reason I bring up tacos is now, somehow, I have to find a way to make an old mans (Deathspank: I was only telling the truth, you are old and a man, but mostly old) taco extra spicy.
To leave off, Deathspank is loud, funny, colourful and stress-free. Only available to buy online, it's an absolute must at only $20.
On that note, I must leave, because this taco thing is much too intriguing to ignore.
Til next time, the gamer with horns on his hat.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Naughty Bear
Naughty Bear held particular interest to me as I have a certain nostalgia when it comes to the combined ingredients of children and killer bears.
It's not because I currently enjoy setting bears on children that talk during movies and cry in my favourite Viking restaurant (The Longship - Bar and Grill), no, my nostalgia comes from a different place...my childhood...my childhood...my childhood...dramatic flashback...
On a boy Vikings 5th birthday he is put in a ring with a Tædjkse Bear (now known as a teddy bear, and thus this story has already related back to the game). A Tædjkse Bear is about five foot, born rabid, weighs approximately 500 kilos, and usually has an abandonment complex and will blame the nearest living thing for the fact that mamma or pappa bear left him with only his razor sharp claws and iron teeth to defend him against a large and cruel world.
If the Viking child defeats the bear, in whatever manner, then he is accepted into Viking society. If he doesn't, the child becomes an outcast, and is shipped off to another country to begin an awful existence where he is scorned by the public, his soul to be tormented in his every waking moment, his brain to slowly degrade as he strives through a life of monotony and servitude. When Vikings pray to Odin, the first thing we thank him for is avoiding this fate, because there is nothing, NOTHING, worse than life as a sales rep.
My fight with the Tædjkse bear has gone down in Viking history as the greatest moment EVER. I still remember being pushed unceremoniously in the pit, a tiny 7ft five year old Viking, holding an axe in each hand, my (wicked) beard hiding my fist shaped chin, ready to take my place in Viking society.
Due to some Vikings messy writing on an ordering form, the bear that was pushed into the pit with me was only half a Tædjkse bear. I'm not saying it was only half of one, as if he'd been cut in two or something, that's stupid, learn to read. This bear was half Tædjkse, half Kodiak, and all bad-arse. The bear, (even though insanely rabid) was extremely intelligent and had heard his fate being discussed through his titanium enclosure, and used his laptop he had snuck in with him to buy weapons off eBay.
So a huge, 6 foot, 682 kilo rabid, insane, intelligent bear was pushed into the ring, samurai swords taped to both of his paws, brass knuckles around his kransky sized digits, and twin nunchuks on his shoulders as back-ups should his swords break on my nose.
There was a pause as the bear looked up into my eyes, and it was then, in this moment, that the bear saw his true master. The bear bowed, and I tilted my head towards him, recognising his deference. I climbed onto his back and he clambered out of the pit, and using him as a steed he took me to his bear people, where I learned the Dragon Punch from one of the bear elders. But that's another story (that should be bought by Disney, because I managed to unite the bear with his pappa who abandoned him, and we all learnt a lot about love, family and friendship along the way).
Anyway, Naughty Bear was a huge disappointment, unlike my story.
In Naughty Bear, we are dropped into a world of teddy (not Tædjkse) bears, where there are cakes and birthdays and parties and allll the innocence you could expect from creatures stuffed with wool.
We play as (however aptly named) Naughty Bear. Naughty, who was not invited to go to Daddles birthday, makes him a present and decides to give it to him anyway. On the way the other bears laugh at Naughty and his gift, and Naughty, sad and embarrassed, runs home. Our British narrator tells Naughty that he should punish the bears that teased him and teach Daddles a lesson, and thus begins the psychotic rampage that is the game Naughty Bear.
Despite Naughty Bear being fairly dissapointing, there are some things about this game I love. First off, it plays like a kids game. The environments are bright and colourful and there are jelly cakes and balloons and the gameplay feels kinda like Spyro or Crash Bandicoot. You know the gameplay, the one that lets you know that dying isn't so bad, to just keep collecting those emeralds you little tike! Just replace 'collecting emeralds' with 'dismembering fellow teddies' and that's the feeling of this game.
There are four ways to kill other teddies. You can beat them or slash them to death, injure them enough and have a special kill (which are dependant on the weapon you're armed with at the time and are often hilariously brutal or savage), you can sabotage equipment or set up traps (like bear traps {haha}) and then sneak up on them for the kill (once again varied, brutal and hilarious), or finally, and best, scare a teddy into insanity in which they will use whatever they can to kill themselves.
While these events are gratifying in an unsusual and somewhat disturbing way, once you get passed the death sequences the game isn't offering me much more. Unfortunately, to progress through the story you must earn a certain amount of points to get trophies which will unlock later levels. In essence you HAVE to do the missions to do the main storyline. Usually I would have no problem with this, but as it's fairly hard to complete these missions, I just find it frustrating and ultimately not worth my time.
The reason it's hard to complete these missions is because there is way to exploit a pattern in the gameplay, all is chaos. If the missions objective is to avoid being hit, then surely the level design should permit me to sabotage x amount of equipment or set x amount of traps to kill x teddies without being spotted, because once spotted, one teddy tells all the other teddies and then they arm themselves and come after you. If you try to just straight up kill them, and quickly, you will undoubtedly get spotted by another teddy due to the fact there are no exploitable patterns, and then this other teddy will run off to tell all the other teddies who will arm themselves and come after you.
So missions where you have to avoid being hit and can only perform one hit kills on the other teddies becomes almost impossible, and is really WAY too much to expect from a player who bought the game simply to hack and slash at childrens toys.
The two most disappointing things about the game are that you can't really choose how you kill the other bears and that the game fails at letting you bring true terror into the lives of fellow teddies.
In the former circumstance, in a storyline level where I the ultimate goal is to kill a certain bear, I figure I should be able to, if I wanted, kill all the bears by sabotage or scare them all into killing themselves. Once again, the gameplay doesn't have exploitable patterns that allows me to choose how I kill these bears. I have tried several times to do so, and each and every time turns into a violent rampage. Anyone that has played the first few Grand Theft Autos will tell you how quickly mindless rampages become boring. As a Viking I can't get enough of mindless rampages, hell, it's what pays my way in the world. But as I continually state, a game is a place for me to do things I don't normally do (even though I habitually scare people into killing themselves).
In the latter, I initially believed Naughty Bear would allow me to play as the terrifying psycho killer, in which by stalking my pray, injuring them over and over again, scaring them and setting traps for them, I would eventually either drive my victim insane or kill them in a brutal manner that would scare other teddies that found the corpse.
The game is set where there are jelly cakes and butterflies and DURING THE DAY. Not exactly your average psychotic killers home ground. The game does give you points for walking passed windows, giving your victim a glimpse of the killer and scaring them further, but that's about as far as it goes in terms of trying to capture the essence of being terrifying.
Lastly, the game is fairly laggy at times. This annoys me immensely, as I bought it on the PS3, and technically, the PS3 is supposed to (technically) be the more powerful of the two systems (PS3/Xbox 360). If it's not the machines fault, it's the game developers fault. If you're going to release a game, and a game that is by no means great, at least don't further enrage me by making it laggy.
Naughy Bear is fun but ultimately lacks the mechanics to make me want to play it more than a few times every couple of weeks. If you find a cheap copy definitely pick it up to enjoy killing teddies, but apart from that, let it rest for a while and bury yourself in Demon's Souls like I've done.
I give Naughty Bear 2.5 out of 5 torn off and mutilated teddy bear heads.
Til next time, the gamer with horns on his hat.
It's not because I currently enjoy setting bears on children that talk during movies and cry in my favourite Viking restaurant (The Longship - Bar and Grill), no, my nostalgia comes from a different place...my childhood...my childhood...my childhood...dramatic flashback...
On a boy Vikings 5th birthday he is put in a ring with a Tædjkse Bear (now known as a teddy bear, and thus this story has already related back to the game). A Tædjkse Bear is about five foot, born rabid, weighs approximately 500 kilos, and usually has an abandonment complex and will blame the nearest living thing for the fact that mamma or pappa bear left him with only his razor sharp claws and iron teeth to defend him against a large and cruel world.
If the Viking child defeats the bear, in whatever manner, then he is accepted into Viking society. If he doesn't, the child becomes an outcast, and is shipped off to another country to begin an awful existence where he is scorned by the public, his soul to be tormented in his every waking moment, his brain to slowly degrade as he strives through a life of monotony and servitude. When Vikings pray to Odin, the first thing we thank him for is avoiding this fate, because there is nothing, NOTHING, worse than life as a sales rep.
My fight with the Tædjkse bear has gone down in Viking history as the greatest moment EVER. I still remember being pushed unceremoniously in the pit, a tiny 7ft five year old Viking, holding an axe in each hand, my (wicked) beard hiding my fist shaped chin, ready to take my place in Viking society.
Due to some Vikings messy writing on an ordering form, the bear that was pushed into the pit with me was only half a Tædjkse bear. I'm not saying it was only half of one, as if he'd been cut in two or something, that's stupid, learn to read. This bear was half Tædjkse, half Kodiak, and all bad-arse. The bear, (even though insanely rabid) was extremely intelligent and had heard his fate being discussed through his titanium enclosure, and used his laptop he had snuck in with him to buy weapons off eBay.
So a huge, 6 foot, 682 kilo rabid, insane, intelligent bear was pushed into the ring, samurai swords taped to both of his paws, brass knuckles around his kransky sized digits, and twin nunchuks on his shoulders as back-ups should his swords break on my nose.
There was a pause as the bear looked up into my eyes, and it was then, in this moment, that the bear saw his true master. The bear bowed, and I tilted my head towards him, recognising his deference. I climbed onto his back and he clambered out of the pit, and using him as a steed he took me to his bear people, where I learned the Dragon Punch from one of the bear elders. But that's another story (that should be bought by Disney, because I managed to unite the bear with his pappa who abandoned him, and we all learnt a lot about love, family and friendship along the way).
Anyway, Naughty Bear was a huge disappointment, unlike my story.
In Naughty Bear, we are dropped into a world of teddy (not Tædjkse) bears, where there are cakes and birthdays and parties and allll the innocence you could expect from creatures stuffed with wool.
We play as (however aptly named) Naughty Bear. Naughty, who was not invited to go to Daddles birthday, makes him a present and decides to give it to him anyway. On the way the other bears laugh at Naughty and his gift, and Naughty, sad and embarrassed, runs home. Our British narrator tells Naughty that he should punish the bears that teased him and teach Daddles a lesson, and thus begins the psychotic rampage that is the game Naughty Bear.
Despite Naughty Bear being fairly dissapointing, there are some things about this game I love. First off, it plays like a kids game. The environments are bright and colourful and there are jelly cakes and balloons and the gameplay feels kinda like Spyro or Crash Bandicoot. You know the gameplay, the one that lets you know that dying isn't so bad, to just keep collecting those emeralds you little tike! Just replace 'collecting emeralds' with 'dismembering fellow teddies' and that's the feeling of this game.
There are four ways to kill other teddies. You can beat them or slash them to death, injure them enough and have a special kill (which are dependant on the weapon you're armed with at the time and are often hilariously brutal or savage), you can sabotage equipment or set up traps (like bear traps {haha}) and then sneak up on them for the kill (once again varied, brutal and hilarious), or finally, and best, scare a teddy into insanity in which they will use whatever they can to kill themselves.
While these events are gratifying in an unsusual and somewhat disturbing way, once you get passed the death sequences the game isn't offering me much more. Unfortunately, to progress through the story you must earn a certain amount of points to get trophies which will unlock later levels. In essence you HAVE to do the missions to do the main storyline. Usually I would have no problem with this, but as it's fairly hard to complete these missions, I just find it frustrating and ultimately not worth my time.
The reason it's hard to complete these missions is because there is way to exploit a pattern in the gameplay, all is chaos. If the missions objective is to avoid being hit, then surely the level design should permit me to sabotage x amount of equipment or set x amount of traps to kill x teddies without being spotted, because once spotted, one teddy tells all the other teddies and then they arm themselves and come after you. If you try to just straight up kill them, and quickly, you will undoubtedly get spotted by another teddy due to the fact there are no exploitable patterns, and then this other teddy will run off to tell all the other teddies who will arm themselves and come after you.
So missions where you have to avoid being hit and can only perform one hit kills on the other teddies becomes almost impossible, and is really WAY too much to expect from a player who bought the game simply to hack and slash at childrens toys.
The two most disappointing things about the game are that you can't really choose how you kill the other bears and that the game fails at letting you bring true terror into the lives of fellow teddies.
In the former circumstance, in a storyline level where I the ultimate goal is to kill a certain bear, I figure I should be able to, if I wanted, kill all the bears by sabotage or scare them all into killing themselves. Once again, the gameplay doesn't have exploitable patterns that allows me to choose how I kill these bears. I have tried several times to do so, and each and every time turns into a violent rampage. Anyone that has played the first few Grand Theft Autos will tell you how quickly mindless rampages become boring. As a Viking I can't get enough of mindless rampages, hell, it's what pays my way in the world. But as I continually state, a game is a place for me to do things I don't normally do (even though I habitually scare people into killing themselves).
In the latter, I initially believed Naughty Bear would allow me to play as the terrifying psycho killer, in which by stalking my pray, injuring them over and over again, scaring them and setting traps for them, I would eventually either drive my victim insane or kill them in a brutal manner that would scare other teddies that found the corpse.
The game is set where there are jelly cakes and butterflies and DURING THE DAY. Not exactly your average psychotic killers home ground. The game does give you points for walking passed windows, giving your victim a glimpse of the killer and scaring them further, but that's about as far as it goes in terms of trying to capture the essence of being terrifying.
Lastly, the game is fairly laggy at times. This annoys me immensely, as I bought it on the PS3, and technically, the PS3 is supposed to (technically) be the more powerful of the two systems (PS3/Xbox 360). If it's not the machines fault, it's the game developers fault. If you're going to release a game, and a game that is by no means great, at least don't further enrage me by making it laggy.
Naughy Bear is fun but ultimately lacks the mechanics to make me want to play it more than a few times every couple of weeks. If you find a cheap copy definitely pick it up to enjoy killing teddies, but apart from that, let it rest for a while and bury yourself in Demon's Souls like I've done.
I give Naughty Bear 2.5 out of 5 torn off and mutilated teddy bear heads.
Til next time, the gamer with horns on his hat.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Demon's Souls
If Demon's Souls was a woman, she would be a hot woman. She would be a hot woman you couldn't get enough of. But as a hot woman isn't a game and games generally have more longevity, I am glad that Demon's Souls is a game and not a hot woman. It's not that I don't like hot women, I just think the game should remain a game, because of how great it is. I think the only thing that could actually make this game greater is if it TURNED INTO a hot woman when you weren't playing the game. But not all the time. Depends on her skill set really, I mean if she can sew and clean and cook yeah it'd be pretty handy to have the game turn into a hot woman, but nevertheless, Demon's Souls is a game, and a game that I am not too proud to say I would marry if it had the added benefit of turning into a hot woman with a domestic chores skill set.
The first rule of Demon's Souls is that it's hard. The second rule of Demon's Souls is that it is really, really hard. Harder than my Viking abdominals, harder than my Viking pecs, and harder than my Viking shaft (and by shaft, I am obviously referring to the shaft of my Viking weapon {and by Viking weapon, I am not referring to my penis but to the Gentle Beauty [which coincidentally shares its name with my penis]}).
Demon's Souls is an action RPG, yet like the Gentle Beauty (both of them), titles can be misleading.
Demon's Souls is unforgiving much in the same way Mario and Alex the Kidd and all our old favourites are unforgiving. If you die, you die, and you start from the beginning of the level. You lose all your coins, remove your fist from the wall, grit your teeth, kick the dog, and start again.
You are a hero, one of ten unique and individual classes, in the kingdom of Boletaria. An evil fog is rolling over the lands of your kingdom, bringing with it Demons who consume the souls of men. The consumption of souls gives the Demons power and turns those who have lost their souls into mindless creatures that turn against their fellow man. You must kill Demons, and harness the power of their souls to become more powerful. From the Nexus; the place where death and reality meets; and subsequently your home base; you must venture out to the different areas of the kingdom and defeat demon after demon to deliver the land from evil.
What I will say about our plot is that while it isn't terribly original, it's solid. Yet this game has complexities that are long reaching and potentially devastating in your playthrough.
The ability to kill any of the NPC's in this game (bar one), means that you have to be careful about where you're swinging your mace. This means the guy who repairs your weapons, the guy who sells you arrows, the guy who holds your extra loot, can all be killed. Upon death they all drop items, which is nice, but is still generally a bad idea. The deaths of these characters can have long reaching effects as well, as they may provide help, add sidequests or make powerful items become available in the future.
The NPC's all have their own stories and goals, most of which will impinge upon you choosing whether to help them, kill them or spare them, all of which goes towards making your character move towards White (good) or Black (evil) world tendencies. It's like the force, but for people who have friends that aren't fictional.
Now for the gameplay. Oh the gameplay. OMFGBBQ (Odin Mega Fucking Great Brain Busting Quality). Your character has three bars; health, mana and endurance (endurance is how many actions you can do before you need to rest, because these are people, not Vikings who gain energy from devestating other people, or in my case being devastatingly handsome).
This game, as stated previously, is hard. Even at higher levels, you are unable to simply walk into a fray without expecting to be punished. This game requires CONSTANT VIGILANCE! And I'm serious about that. Super vigilant. Boy in a room with a priest vigilant.
So shield up, we have to watch our endurance bar, because when that is down to nothing we stagger, and that means we get punished. And I mean punished. Boy in a room with a priest punished.
Every fight is tactical because of this. Do I attack till the bar runs out? Or do I make sure I still have enough to effectively block? Should I roll or take the brunt of the attach to parry? This game is brilliant in that it practically forces you to do these things. Swinging your weapon and hoping for the best won't get you anywhere (because you're not a Viking).
There are only a few armour sets in the game, and some characters will start out with some of the best armour. This is because armour is actually armour. You move slower in the heavy stuff and are more easily detected. You can't roll properly in it, yet you take less damage and the chances of being knocked down are reduced significantly. Armour in this game is tactical, as I discovered when upon failing to beat a boss several times, I switched to less protective but much lighter armour and really slayed the shit out of his dragon. The resulting Viking stomp dance celebration started an earthquake in many small and undiscovered islands whose indigenous peoples who had never encountered an earthquake before and started worshipping the ground as a god who they had angered, and as such I am now, if rather informally, a deity in my own right.
One of the first things you'll die of in this game is the fact you can fall off cliffs and ledges and such. There is no invisible wall here to help you folks. And like Mario, it doesn't matter what upgrades you had before you got there, a fall is a fall and ultimately your demise. You'll start back at the levels Archstone, and face every enemy again. When you do die, you'll come back as a phantom, still able to do everything you could while you were alive but with reduced health. It's easier to just think that 75% of your max health IS your max health.
Most of you are thinking that after I play this game my room should look like someone's tried to install 'whack-a-mole' onto every surface in it, but this game is so incredibly rewarding when you finally defeat that Demon or when you finally reach that weapon that you forget the struggle and remain basking in the triumph.
Lastly, the graphics. The graphics are amazing, and the environments are beautiful. Every area is crafted to give a specific feeling. One level is so claustraphobic that I have to remind myself I am in a Viking hut, and not trapped in a multi-levelled dungeon. When it gets too intense I always have a Viking paper bag that I can breathe into, and my latest phobia support group is really friendly. Check them out, 'Horned Helpers' at http://www.wearevikingsthathelpothervikingscontroltheirfears.tk/.
The bosses you are aiming to bring down are massive and are perfectly suited to their environment, and the environment will always work in their favour. The satisfaction in defeating a demon on his home turf is much like the feeling of your axe through a Twilight fan.
Demon's Souls isn't perfect, however, and the lock on system and the camera angles will, at times, have you gnashing your teeth and putting your axe through a Twilight fan.
Locking on can be dangerous, as enemies are just as likely to fall of edges as you are, and with the inability to swivel the camera to see anywhere else except for directly at the creature you are facing, there is always the chance the swing of your weapon will have you follow them off the edge of a cliff, or retreat off a cliff, or be backing away and have a cliff get in the way of what you're trying to see, so you stumble around and fall off a cliff.
Demon's Souls is a great game, a game so amazing that when they named it they used proper punctuation. It isn't Demons Souls, it's the possessive, Demon's Souls. Fuck yeah.
I can't give a game five out of five because then the gaming industry would shut down, citing the Viking gamer has found the perfect game and there would be no more point to producing anything else. Because I support the gaming industry and my fellow gamers, I will instead give this game 4.89 out of 5.
Til next time, the gamer with horns in his hat.
The first rule of Demon's Souls is that it's hard. The second rule of Demon's Souls is that it is really, really hard. Harder than my Viking abdominals, harder than my Viking pecs, and harder than my Viking shaft (and by shaft, I am obviously referring to the shaft of my Viking weapon {and by Viking weapon, I am not referring to my penis but to the Gentle Beauty [which coincidentally shares its name with my penis]}).
Demon's Souls is an action RPG, yet like the Gentle Beauty (both of them), titles can be misleading.
Demon's Souls is unforgiving much in the same way Mario and Alex the Kidd and all our old favourites are unforgiving. If you die, you die, and you start from the beginning of the level. You lose all your coins, remove your fist from the wall, grit your teeth, kick the dog, and start again.
You are a hero, one of ten unique and individual classes, in the kingdom of Boletaria. An evil fog is rolling over the lands of your kingdom, bringing with it Demons who consume the souls of men. The consumption of souls gives the Demons power and turns those who have lost their souls into mindless creatures that turn against their fellow man. You must kill Demons, and harness the power of their souls to become more powerful. From the Nexus; the place where death and reality meets; and subsequently your home base; you must venture out to the different areas of the kingdom and defeat demon after demon to deliver the land from evil.
What I will say about our plot is that while it isn't terribly original, it's solid. Yet this game has complexities that are long reaching and potentially devastating in your playthrough.
The ability to kill any of the NPC's in this game (bar one), means that you have to be careful about where you're swinging your mace. This means the guy who repairs your weapons, the guy who sells you arrows, the guy who holds your extra loot, can all be killed. Upon death they all drop items, which is nice, but is still generally a bad idea. The deaths of these characters can have long reaching effects as well, as they may provide help, add sidequests or make powerful items become available in the future.
The NPC's all have their own stories and goals, most of which will impinge upon you choosing whether to help them, kill them or spare them, all of which goes towards making your character move towards White (good) or Black (evil) world tendencies. It's like the force, but for people who have friends that aren't fictional.
Now for the gameplay. Oh the gameplay. OMFGBBQ (Odin Mega Fucking Great Brain Busting Quality). Your character has three bars; health, mana and endurance (endurance is how many actions you can do before you need to rest, because these are people, not Vikings who gain energy from devestating other people, or in my case being devastatingly handsome).
This game, as stated previously, is hard. Even at higher levels, you are unable to simply walk into a fray without expecting to be punished. This game requires CONSTANT VIGILANCE! And I'm serious about that. Super vigilant. Boy in a room with a priest vigilant.
So shield up, we have to watch our endurance bar, because when that is down to nothing we stagger, and that means we get punished. And I mean punished. Boy in a room with a priest punished.
Every fight is tactical because of this. Do I attack till the bar runs out? Or do I make sure I still have enough to effectively block? Should I roll or take the brunt of the attach to parry? This game is brilliant in that it practically forces you to do these things. Swinging your weapon and hoping for the best won't get you anywhere (because you're not a Viking).
There are only a few armour sets in the game, and some characters will start out with some of the best armour. This is because armour is actually armour. You move slower in the heavy stuff and are more easily detected. You can't roll properly in it, yet you take less damage and the chances of being knocked down are reduced significantly. Armour in this game is tactical, as I discovered when upon failing to beat a boss several times, I switched to less protective but much lighter armour and really slayed the shit out of his dragon. The resulting Viking stomp dance celebration started an earthquake in many small and undiscovered islands whose indigenous peoples who had never encountered an earthquake before and started worshipping the ground as a god who they had angered, and as such I am now, if rather informally, a deity in my own right.
One of the first things you'll die of in this game is the fact you can fall off cliffs and ledges and such. There is no invisible wall here to help you folks. And like Mario, it doesn't matter what upgrades you had before you got there, a fall is a fall and ultimately your demise. You'll start back at the levels Archstone, and face every enemy again. When you do die, you'll come back as a phantom, still able to do everything you could while you were alive but with reduced health. It's easier to just think that 75% of your max health IS your max health.
Most of you are thinking that after I play this game my room should look like someone's tried to install 'whack-a-mole' onto every surface in it, but this game is so incredibly rewarding when you finally defeat that Demon or when you finally reach that weapon that you forget the struggle and remain basking in the triumph.
Lastly, the graphics. The graphics are amazing, and the environments are beautiful. Every area is crafted to give a specific feeling. One level is so claustraphobic that I have to remind myself I am in a Viking hut, and not trapped in a multi-levelled dungeon. When it gets too intense I always have a Viking paper bag that I can breathe into, and my latest phobia support group is really friendly. Check them out, 'Horned Helpers' at http://www.wearevikingsthathelpothervikingscontroltheirfears.tk/.
The bosses you are aiming to bring down are massive and are perfectly suited to their environment, and the environment will always work in their favour. The satisfaction in defeating a demon on his home turf is much like the feeling of your axe through a Twilight fan.
Demon's Souls isn't perfect, however, and the lock on system and the camera angles will, at times, have you gnashing your teeth and putting your axe through a Twilight fan.
Locking on can be dangerous, as enemies are just as likely to fall of edges as you are, and with the inability to swivel the camera to see anywhere else except for directly at the creature you are facing, there is always the chance the swing of your weapon will have you follow them off the edge of a cliff, or retreat off a cliff, or be backing away and have a cliff get in the way of what you're trying to see, so you stumble around and fall off a cliff.
Demon's Souls is a great game, a game so amazing that when they named it they used proper punctuation. It isn't Demons Souls, it's the possessive, Demon's Souls. Fuck yeah.
I can't give a game five out of five because then the gaming industry would shut down, citing the Viking gamer has found the perfect game and there would be no more point to producing anything else. Because I support the gaming industry and my fellow gamers, I will instead give this game 4.89 out of 5.
Til next time, the gamer with horns in his hat.
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