Graphics: who cares?

I was re-reading my masterful blog entries the other day and I realised that whenever I use the word 'graphics' there's a good chance that it's followed by a compliment, and it reminded me of my own growth into power and coming to accept and, in time, get bored with power that's readily available.

As you should all know, my Dragon Punch technique is so powerful that when Hitler heard that it's might was capable of going through time to destroy peoples noots he ran into a bunker and shot himself.

But now it's only a mild fear (depending on how close you are to the actual event). Before people only whispered of the Dragon Punch whilst now fourteen year olds will fill thread upon thread whether my Dragon Punch could beat Sephiroth or Vegeta (which it could).

What does my ultimate ending technique and new-gen graphics have to do with eachother?

There is no longer a point in mentioning a games graphic capabilities...unless it's awful.

Ever since the release of the current gaming systems I honestly haven't noticed much change in graphics or their capabilities. The games look amazing, even the bad ones. Hell, even FFXIII, the worst game EVER, looks amazing. But who gives a shit?

No-one...unless the graphics are bad. We're at a point now in gaming technology where taking even a minor step back will cause people to check their HDMI cable hasn't fallen out and then question why they've just paid a hundred or so dollars for a game that could have easily been played on the Ps2 (or the Wii {and I'm looking at YOU, DRAGON AGE}).

So knowing now that people see great graphics as the norm, what should people expect? How do we judge games on look now?

The answer?

STYLE.

Now that developers can make games look as clear cut as my pectoral definition, the door to STYLE should be flung open. But it's not...not really.

Out of the last 20 or so games that I reviewed the ones that primarily come to mind when I think of style is Shank and Deathspank. Shank because of its great cartoon-like feel and Deathspank for having the balls to make a game that looks like it could have been on the Nintendo 64 and still being fun to play.

Many of you are probably thinking;

'But Viking Gamer! What about Bioshock and Fallout and Demon's souls!?'

Well noobs, the great things about those games are the ENVIRONMENTS, which is completely different to style, and here's why:

STYLE is about what the graphics are based around. In Shank the graphics are based around a cartoon/comic book look, while in deathspank it looks like someone accidentally created a purple 3d blob and put him in a diorama. This gives us the sense of THE TONE OF PLAY.

EVIRONMENT is about the landscape. Bioshock gives us the sense of claustraphobia and fear with things using shadows and walls to kill you from, leaking pipes and areas of business to show that you are REALLY UNDERWATER in what was once a thriving economy and posters and messages written in blood to help us understand what happened here. This gives us a sense of WHERE WE ARE.

Lost Planet and Demon's Souls look just as good as eachother, but the styles are only marginally different and that's purely for gameplay purposes rather than aesthetics.

There are a few reasons as to why this is, but I'm only going to mention the important one:

Gaming developers are massive, massive pussies. Folklore (which is awesome) switched between the gameplay which was the usual awesome visuals we've come to expect, and some fairly sketchy comic book like interaction which, as a STYLE, worked really well.

But along came the haters who couldn't understand why they would add this in, and I can only suspect they had come down with a severe case of George Lucas-itis in which they couldnt get an erection unless EVERYTHING was done in cgi.

So, after reading lots and lots of bad reviews on a game that was generally a lot better than the fifteen thousand Mario remakes that get made and recieve good reviews EVERY TIME ONE OF THOSE SOULLESS LEECHES IS PRODUCED, I decided (again) that the general public could go and fuck themselves with their 'we don't understand any game that isnt Mario' flags.

So, to keep the unoriginal appeased, it's only fair that they produce games that consistenly look samey (albeit excellent).

The sense of style and difference was one of my main motivators to get back on the PsP. I needed a break from the flawless to get back into the flawed, the original, the games we loved despite their inferiority.

I'm giving graphics and any score based system around them 1/5, because I realise now that some reviewers only talk about graphics to have more to write about.

Til next time, the gamer with horns on his hat.

Psp Problems.

First things first: James Bond is the worst secret agent of all time.

Why? He tells his name to everyone. I'm surprised there hasn't been a scene yet where a guy asks him to pass him a coaster and all hell breaks loose.

'Sorry mate, could you pass me that coaster?'

'Bond.'

'...What?'

'James Bond. My name is James Bond.'

*In the background, shifty looking Russian/Arab/Not White characters start pointing at him and drawing out guns, motioning and laughing how they are going to shoot the shit out of him.

'Yeeeeaaaah, sorry I just wanted you to pass me a coaster'

'Oh...did you know my name was Bond by the way? James Bond?'

'Sure thing James, about that coaster...'

'Most people call me Bond. Or Mister Bond. But when they call me Mister Bond they're either leering or have accents because they are Not White and it sounds like Meester Bond. I'm a secret agent you know. For the British government. And my name is JAMES BOND!'

'Jesus Christ man do you want everyone to hear!? Just pass me a fucking coaster will you?'

*Both Not White characters come forward and step to either side of Bond

'Excuse me, are you Meester Bond?'

*Drinking a martini like a big girl and an impotent flair of cliche charm

'Yes. I am'

*Massive gunfight later, everyone dead, especially Bond who was shot at by the Not Whites and other members of the British secret agent society who were ACTUALLY not blowing their cover like that showy retard.

'Dont fucking bother I'll get the coaster myself'

*Reaches over bloody, bullet ridden, chunks missing corpse and grabs coaster.

What a moron.


Now onto my problem with the PSP. I noticed in my console reviewing article that I did't mention the PSP, or I did and it wasn't very interesting.

Realising on my latest raid into France (I ran out croissants, and a good Viking breakfast needs a baked roll of pastry and lard to get him through the day) there wasn't much to do on a longship except row or laugh at the people who have to row (the French that we abducted on the previous raid), so I decided to revisit to my PSP.

Having owned every game worth having on it (Final Fantasy 1, Final Fantasy 2, Final Fantasy Dissidia, Final Fantasy Crisis Core) I came to the conclusion that the PsP is pretty much fucked.

Why? Well it's not the graphics, because they are actually pretty damn amazing for a handheld device. The controls work well, the battery lasts ages and it's memory capabilities are entirely dependant upon how much you're willing to fork out for a memory stick duo, in my case 4 gigs worth which seems to do the trick for me.

So the PSP, on the whole, is a pretty damn amazing machine. Except it has NO FUCKING GAMES. If you liked Monster Hunter (which I don't) then you're pretty much set for the next 20 years because it seems there's about 3 or 4 of them on the market and they seem to be released weekly.

Other than that you can play the games that you loved on the PS one but have since moved on (about 20 years moved on) and no longer wish to see again.

So what can a gamer who loves his PsP but has no idea what the hell he can do with it besides use it as a very small plate to eat croissants off after/during a raid on France, do?

Well, I can tell you what I did NOT do.

I, unequivocally, DID NOT get my PSP 'hacked' which allowed it to be used as a portable usb gaming device in which I would not have to pay for the chance to maybe play an hour of a shitty game.

I also DID NOT use this new found freedom to download Final Fantasy Tactics which is turning out to be as NOT addictive as sniffing the cardboard pine tree that gives off the scent 'new axe'.

HAD I done such a thing I may have felt guilty that my loyalty to Sony was about as strong as a fresh Frenchman after his first day behind the wheel of an oar while being given a Viking Burn (like an Indian burn but the Viking performing it will set his own hands on fire first).

But, HAD I done this, I would have researched where I could buy FF Tactics so that I could buy a copy, perhaps just to own or to pay what was due to a great game.

BUT LO AND BEHOLD (hypothetically), it was nowhere to be found unless I wanted to buy it on some obscure site online (what the fuck is Ebay anyway?).

Looking through the list of games I'm finding Little Big Planet *yawn*, basketball *YAAAAAAWN*, FPS's that they couldn't make first person and are barely shooters *SUPER CONTAGIOUS YAAAAAAWN* and some kid who has a green wristwatch called Ben and he's ten or something.

So they discontinue the games that may have sold some copies here and there over time, yet keep publishing these bland games over and over for some reason. WHOSE BUYING THEM!? YOU'RE ONLY ADDING TO THE PROBLEM!

You could always risk the money and buy some random JRPG or a spin-off of a popular title on the consoles, but why bother (unless you have money to burn {in which case I may very well earn you a Viking burn [I'm subtely threatening you for your money]}).

What I don't understand is why they don't use what the PsP actually is to its advantage. It goes online and its completely portable, so why not have a Diablo like game that people will want to congregate over (yes, I'm already aware of this capability used in Monster Hunter, but I mean a game that isn't slow, tedious, and requires me, A FUCKING VIKING, to delay in the pursuit of killing huge, angry monsters to PICK THINGS OUT OF SAID MONSTERS FECAL MATTER).

The machine is powerful enough to do this. So do it.

Why is it not working on its ability to have a potentially amazing social aspect? Why aren't its FPS ripoffs also FPS? WHY AM I NOT PAID TO COME UP WITH THESE GREAT IDEAS!?

The only I advice I can give is that if you own a PsP, YOU SHOULD DEFINATELY NOT GET IT 'HACKED'. It's unethical that you shouldn't pay for any game that's on the PsP and surprisingly some that havent actually been released on the PsP, as well as have it downloading and ready from the comfort of your own home.

I'm giving the PsP 4.5/5 for being an awesome gaming device, and a sweaty, Viking burned Frenchman for having fuck-all games.

Til next time, the gamer with horns on his hat.

Enslaved

Before I begin my review of Enslaved, I have a statement to make:

The natural state of any vegan should be dead.

Why is this? Well, for one if I ever see another one or have another pamphlet passed onto me about veganarisms or whatever it's called, I will make it my personal mission to hunt one down and use his skin to create canvas that will then be turned into anti-veganism campaign posters.

Secondly, it's because not eating meat is stupid. My diet consists of Bison, Moose, meat, and vegetables (of course by vegetables, I mean an animal that has a diet consisting only of vegetables, and as we are what we eat, I'm technically eating medium-rare bull/oats).

Nothing is worth making pamphlets for (except for anti-veganism). So why cut down trees or make plastic copies (which both destroy the habitats of all of gods delicious creatures) and them hand them to me?

Is it because we're superior to these animals? Apparently yes and no. Morally we are superior because we have the choice to not eat meat. But we aren't any different from animals, we're alllll equal on the foodchain, it's just that we're morally superior. But not different, equal, except for morals in which we are superior.

That argument has a roughly circular shape to it.

If those pasty tofu munching morons want me to be equal or act my part in the animal kingdom, then I am going to eat their babies. Lots of animals eat the young of their species. It promotes evolution and strength and pure unadulterated taste sensations. And imaggine that, ME, the Viking Gamer, eating away at a part of the gene pool that wants to stop my consumption of bacon. Therefore, I have resolved to eat one vegan baby for every pamphlet I receive.


Onto Enslaved.




Enslaved is about balance. Balance of power, balance of nature, and a fair balance of good gaming and some really poor design.

Our main character, Monkey, escapes from a slave ship travelling over the remnants of a post-apocalyptical New York city with no help from the mysterious woman who escapes moments before him.

Having climbed, dived and dodged around the crashing slave ship, Monkey reaches the escape pod the strange woman is in. Refusing to let him enter, she engages the escape pod with Monkey still hanging on and crashes into the ruins of New York.

On Monkeys awakening, the woman is sitting watching him suspiciously, and informs him that she has put a slave headband on his brow and that she needs him to help her get back to her colony. Monkey cannot refuse, and if he does, he dies. If her heart stops for any reason, he dies. If he goes forward with helping her, there's a damn good chance he'll be cut down by robots and then die.

So Monkey is pretty much fucked.

This relationship between two characters is not uncommon in gaming. What is common, however, is the lack of any kind of anger or emotional outburst from the person who is put in the delicate situation.

Monkey, on the other hand, was going to kill her. Straight up rip her head off with his gigantic steroid abuse arms. From that moment I vowed to finish the game, because, quite simply, if I was in that scenario (which I would never be {and if I was unconscious in front of a woman she would lose control of herself and have her way with me and when I came to she would be waiting with my breakfast and the slave headband on her head and begging me to tell her what to do}) I would have done the same thing.

The relationship between Trip (that conniving bitch) and Monkey (that giant steroid chugging guy) continues to evolve through the gameplay and is quite an essential part of the gameplay.

Because this video was made for purely aesthetic reasons (and looks like shit due to technical issues) there are many points of this gameplay I'm going to have to explain through words.

Enslaved is pretty much Uncharted. It has to be said. The gameplay concept is incredibly similar with minor, but MEANINGFUL, differences.

The first is the use of Trip. Trip is super useful, as she can hack the shit out of machinery, let of an emp burst that will temporarily destabilise any robot attackers, and also provides some woman to look at if you get tired (and jealous) of looking at Monkey's incredible physique (it's the reason I rarely take off my shirt, too many suicides {because I'm so well muscled, not because of my back hair}).

Trip can is also plays the role of support woman and complete burden, as is the role of most woman, and vital in the role of a wife.

Because the ruins of New York are scattered with gun turrets and robots with guns and flying guns and just generally with things that want to shoot you, it's up to Monkey to keep Trip alive and it's up to Trip to help Monkey survive. So when Monkey needs to tear down a turret with his bare hands Trip can use one of her gadgety doo-dads to create an illusion that the turrets will shoot at until it runs out of power. Monkey, if he needs to create a distraction for Trip, will simply lean out and shout 'Hey!' (which just goes to show that men are more efficient than women) before using the command to have her follow him.

This is where the difference between Enslaved and Uncharted becomes more pronounced, and ultimately makes me appreciate Enslaved more, as well as provides me with a segue into other facets of the game.

Whereas Uncharted required you to be sneaky in some places, and was the better option in nearly every account, Enslaved enables you to go in and just rip some metal monsters to shreds. How does he do this? With a futurisitic extendo staff which he uses like a god-damn pro. The extendo staff (it's just what I'm calling it, Vikings have discovered and named shit for centuries! No need to thank me, Planet Earth) is what makes this game more fun than Uncharted. Using guns was all well and good, but when there is no auto-aim or aiming help or first person abilities, its just too hard to aim. You could change the controller sensitivity, but what's the point when it throws out the rest of the game that doesn't need the controls to be that sensitive?

Another thing about Enslaved is that every fight and evasion scenario are on some kind of timed basis. Either the wall protecting you will crumble or the enemies will call for back up or Trip will be in danger, and in any sense you can't waste time fucking around.

The combat in the game isn't too complex and not entirely rewarding, but still requires you to keep on your toes...just a little.

When you purchase an upgrade from Trip that lets you detect what the enemy is currently doing or about to do (blue for blocking, red for attacking, yellow for vulnerable) the combat becomes much easier, more decisive and much, MUCH easier to handle. You're able to both block and roll (though not simultaneously DUUURHEHER) which is great because you can't block most of the larger enemies attacks. Which is how it should be. Imagine if somoneone could block my attacks! I wouldn't eat at night! I'd be hungry alllllll the time!

Despite the combat being fluid and easy to control, Monkeys normal running around lacks initiative. When running to an obstacle that I am able to jump over I find that there are too many occasions where I'll just run into it and stop or run into it and go into a roll or run into it and turn around. In a game where running, climbing and general Monkey-ing (hahahHAHA!) around is the basis of the game, the controls have to be intuitive to create for a smooth ride.

Having said this, Monkeys movements are superbly realisitic and resemble the movements, confidence and climbing ability of an actual monkey. His reaction to explosions, falling and climbing are all a joy to watch and show that the future of gaming is going to look just awesome.

I'm going to give Monkey a 5/5 for his reaction to being enslaved by a woman he could use as a toothpick or back hair comb, and the game 4/5 women being used as back combs.

Til next time, the gamer with horns on his hat.

Devil May Cry...But Vikings Wont

After realising there's no use complaining about a bruised and psychologically bored thumb, I decided to revisit a game I thoroughly loved but had not finished.

The original Devil May Cry set the benchmark for all new action games that were to follow it. For me especially, as this was the first game I can remember playing when getting close to a boss or touching them didn't make you lose health.

BOSSES ARE NOT ALL MADE OF ACID.

Losing health because you touched an enemy is for classic games. Mario, Megaman, Kirby; NOT NEXT GEN ACTION HEROES.

I can hear some of you asking: 'But Viking Gamer, when people get near you or touch you they lose health and/or appendages!'

Damn right they do. I'm a private sort of Viking, I don't like people constantly fondling me and twirling my beard in their fingers. And if you look at it logically, most of the people I get close to are people I'm currently raiding/butchering/making love to. And even in that last scenario there's a good chance that I'll accidentally rip off a leg or an arm in my violent, thrashing love making. But you know what they say; 'once you go Viking gamer you lose an appendage'.

Moving on, Devil May Cry was the first game that encouraged you to get close to enemies. The first boss, a giant, flaming spider, allowed you the pleasure of jumping on his back and then slashing and shooting the shit out of him.

Devil May Cry 4, in my opinion (which is the only opinion that matters) is the best action/hack and slash game I have ever played. Solid storyline, brilliant voice-acting, original looking and acting enemies, balanced difficulty, and most importantly, smooth, stylish, brilliant game play.



I've decided to make this video more for the benefit of describing why this game is so Odin damn awesome, rather than my usual flawless attempts at turning games into fine pieces of art.

You'll notice in the first section of game play that the moves I make not only look amazing, but also have a direct relation as to what is going on around me. This kind of action fighting is dying due to God of War and its cronies who keep the idea that swinging some kind of whipping device (whether it's a scythe or swords on chains or a cross or some other 'magical' weapon that not only has an unlimited amount of reach but also defies physics by not getting inadvertently wrapped around enemies and smashing the owner of said weapon in the face {I would have loved to see Kratos cutting his own jaw off due a miscalculated attack}) is somehow inevitably linked with 'skill' and 'fun'.

The second part (17 secs in) of the video not only displays my amazing gaming ability, but the fact that yes, dodging and NOT ATTACKING are just as important and fun as beating the shit out of an enemy. Not only does it look spectacular, you can see your skill and reflexes being rewarded. It's also good for the brain. You have to calculate your moves, how much damage you are willing to take so as to finish off an enemy or whether dodging is the best bet or if you should use your devil trigger (the ability to go into devil mode and become more powerful for a brief period of time) to dish out as much damage as you can...it's not pressing square square square triangle and waiting for the next cutscene.

If you remember my blog on Monster Hunter Tri (see I hyperlinked it so you can read it to remember), you'll see my distaste for enemies with retarded 'weakness' spots. When I'm playing against that giant fire lion thing, you'll notice that I attack his face and his mane (40 secs in). This requires me to grab his face with my demon arm to get up there, which exposes me to the most chance of getting smacked into the ground, but has the benefit of stunning him (notice how the flame goes out [54 secs in]). This is the anti-retard of weak spots. It has benefits and risks, and ultimately I have choice. I COULD have slashed away at his flank, been hit and flung back at the cost of a little bit of health, before dodging his frontal attacks to run to his flank to start hacking away again; the kicker being that attacking him in this way doesn't leave him stunned and takes forever. But the point is I have a CHOICE.


While we have all come to realise that I am a Viking and kick arse in battle, even Vikings like to watch animes and Jet Li movies and wish that we could do those amazing well timed ninja-esque moves. I know I do. It's all well and good being able to take an axe to the bicep and then pull it out with your teeth and force someone to the ground and then cut his head off while chewing at the blade and forcing it through his neck, but it doesn't look good (as my PR agent keeps telling me).

In the fifth part (1 min 12 secs). Seriously, just look at it. I'm a demon ninja, I'm going nuts on ice monsters. Even in Ninja Gaiden there aren't awesome combos as demon-ninja as that. And what's that at 1 min 18 seconds? I've dodged behind an ice attack, ninja teleported through it, Goku instant transmissioned through the air and kicked the other monster in the face. There are no other games that make you feel this powerful or cool.

Before I get to my last point, I have to say that I've left a few things out of the videos. One is the classic aspect of gaming that Devil May Cry DID decide to keep.

Timing. The first games were based on timing and jumping and moving. Frogger has it, Kirby had it, Megaman, Sonic, Mario etc, ALL had jumping and timing parts and that made games not only fun but addictively and excitingly so.

Devil May Cry has always had punishing timing sections of the game between enemies which is a great thing. In this way players that finish Devil May Cry have a lot more to say on their gaming resume. Picture it this way.

I, the Viking Gamer, go for a gaming interview saying I've finished DMC 4 and some Noob has finished God of War.

'So Viking Gamer, I noticed on your resume that you finished DMC 4. I assume you have skills to deal with bosses who take knowledge, tactics and skill to take down as well as being able to estimate and get through punishing time related challenges which can be frustrating but are ultimately more rewarding. When can you start?'

"I Answer To No-one!"

[Queue slaughtering of boss and the rest of the staff]

Noob with God of War accreditation:

'So...Noob...I noticed your good at...pressing...buttons.'

'Well sir...'

'GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY OFFICE!'

See? It doesn't work out for poor Noob does it?

The other thing I didn't manage to include in the video was the ease of which players can change between weapons and combos for a consistently changing combat environment (at least for Dante who has these different weapons).

Shotgun? Two presses away. Different styles of combat? One press away. Different weapon? A few presses away.

All to mix up the pattern of gaming so you're not stuck swinging chains and scythes, praying that a jaw gets lopped off.

The last thing I have to say makes this series not only awesome but shows that the developers actually give a damn is that they are always developing combat. Nero's devil arm allows you to perform different moves (1:01, 1:31) on enemies, much like in God of War or Darksiders. The only difference being is that it's part of the combat and not solely a finishing move. It also looks shit loads better. There are only so many times an enemy can be cut in twain (two) before it gets boring. Stabbing a gorgon in the eye over and over? Yawn. Nero pulls a spinning pile driver midair and crushes an enemy into the ground. A game that knows awesome is not taking yourself too seriously.

I'm giving the Devil May Cry series 4.5 spinning pile-drived enemies out of 5.

Til next time, the gamer with horns on his hat.

My Thumb Hurts

As most of you will know, I have told you that I didn't really like God of War, yet, MIRACULOUSLY, a mention of the game makes it into my blog just regularly enough for you to think I actually want to have some hot Viking on Spartan action.

In fact I was beginning to question myself. Why would I even mention a game that I wouldn't tip my horned hat to? Why wouldn't I tip my hat to it? To it why would I not hat tip to?

And it struck me as violently as my grandmother did when she found out I had been sneaking copious amounts of Red Bull and Prozac to my Bi-Polar beserker cousin to see if he would invent a new emotion in his increasingly bizarre and agitated state.

"My thumb hurts".

As far as ideologies go, it's like this: moronic women have 'He's not that into you'. Moronic men have 'I'm never drinking again'. Gamers have: 'My thumb hurts'.

Why does it matter that my thumb hurts?

If any of you have ever performed 1v1 combat or 1v10000000 combat like I have, you'll know that just before and during the battle, there is no concept of pain. There is no concept of tired, uncomfortable or fear. There is only the now. It is where we reach enlightenment and touch the true essence of life itself. It's not a place where your thumb hurts.

After the battle or killing spree or what have you, THAT'S when every injury, every broken bone and every burst blood vessel starts taking its toll. If it hurts during, that's when you find yourself another hobby, sport, culture or game.

Playing Ninety-Nine Nights 2 (or 188 Nights, I'm not exactly sure), I realised during the first mission in-game that there was an unfamiliar sensation in my thumb. I couldn't quite figure out what it was, but it became more and more pronounced as the level went on. As I had been in the same level for over an hour, and was bored to tears and wanted nothing more than to say 'FUCK THIS' and charge horn-first into the TV, I came to know what the sensation in my thumb was:

PAIN.

I rarely ever feel pain. But there it was, in my thumb, from the constant pressing of the same buttons over and over and over and over again.

I flashbacked to my time playing God of War; the same pain, the same sense of just wanting to see what happened at the end and not go through the monotony of killing enemies that couldn't kill you back unless you put down the controller and left it there for a day.

And so it came to pass that I realised my dilemma with God of War and produced a wise saying that gamers will surely use from here on and ever after: 'My thumb hurts'.

Ninety Nine nights represents a problem in current gaming. For a hack and slash, whether it be Devil May Cry, God of War, Ninety Nine Nights, Darksiders etc, there has to be something in between the hacking and slashing that makes the game worthwhile.

The reason God of War and Darksiders didnt do it for me was because the things in between the hacking and slashing consisted of running too slowly over a vast area to get to a place to hack and slash. Not very interesting. Darksiders tried to make up for this in puzzles, whereas God of War decided to cause a little bit of me to die inside every time I had to turn a lever or move some weights.

In a demo I played of Castlevania I hacked and slashed, then proceeded to mount a horse who furthered plot progression, had to try and keep balance whilst hacking slashing other enemies whilst riding and then after dismounting was forced to solve a puzz.e

From this it's easy to point out a simple rule of thumb (HAHAHAHAHAHAH!) Running in between hacking and slashing does not equal gameplay.

Another problem I'm having with today's hack and slash is that enemies don't seem to have the ability to kill you or even hinder you anymore. In 99 Nights I killed about 200 enemies (all the same dark grey colour with about as much inspiration as a crayon left to melt in the sun) before taking a single hit which took off roughly 1/1000000000 of my life.

What should the norm be? Look at Devil May Cry, for instance. Ever level has a multitude of different 'first tier' enemies that will, if left without a bullet in their skulls, punish you severely. These enemies make it so that you either act quickly so they never had a chance to attack or, failing that, make dodging a necessity in staying alive.

I loved Devil May Cry. Dante is my kind of hero. Bad-arse, sarcastic, doesn't take himself too seriously, and can be impaled and sliced open and pretty much annihilated and still come back for more. The added bonus of the Devil Trigger meant that, for a little while, you were pure bad-arse and got to handle out some death, or it could also be saved until you were in a bit of trouble with too many enemies. As I recall God of War did something like this and he glowed with armour...or something. It was too boring to remember.

The lid on the whole 'My thumb hurst' insight came when I read a comment saying that a particular gamer couldn't get into games like Devil May Cry because it was so hard. Was it really? I dont recall it being hard, but I do recall it being a hell of a lot harder than pressing square, square, square, square, triangle over and over again until the multitude of completely incapable skeletons or ghouls or whatever other unimaginative enemies had been slain.

Is it the fact you HAVE to dodge? Choose different weapons for different enemies? Figure out how to do combos with timing rather than have it done for you? BASIC GAMING?

So the next time your mindlessly mashing buttons, remember there is always a rule of thumb (HAHAHAHAHA THERE IT IS AGAIN!): If your thumb hurts it's no good.

I'm giving 99 Nights 1 hurt thumb out of two. If you were wondering, it's a bad score.

Til next time, the gamer with horns on his hat.