If there is one thing in the world I hate, it's the general public.
This is excluding my readers of course, who have distinguished themselves by following my blog, and thus have become more of a specific public.
As you may have assumed by the title, this particular entry will be in the form of an essay. An angry essay. An angry essay without links to relevant facts, footnotes or any kind of empirical evidence. Imagine this essay is me shouting my opinion at the world, horns rattling in my helmet. It could be argued that this is not so much an essay as it is a rant, but as the title is particularly grandiose (that's French for awesome [because French=Intellectual {they had to be good at ONE thing}]) I have instead decided to call it a Relevant Argument that is Non-Technical, or RANT for short.
Anonymity is a powerful thing, so powerful in fact that it makes the general public, who are already a seething mass of stupidity, turn into into ungrammatical insulting nightmares (as shown by Mr. Snipes).
It can also turn 'normal' people into creepy people who make you really wish that Mr. Rudd would hurry up with his castration policies.
I am a Viking. To me, the world is very logical. Watch my powerful Viking logic in action!
Mark + Viking Hat = Viking Gamer
Simple. Let's try to expand:
Vikings are awesome horned-hat wearing bad-arses.
Mark is a Viking.
Therefore: Mark is an awesome horned-hat wearing bad-arse.
There you have it. Life in three short sentences.
BUT, when you turn on that console and prepare for what should be a leisurely pursuit of victory through online achievement, lo and behold, you are faced with countless idiots.
No, I don't care how good your equipment is. I don't care what spells your using, I don't care how much time you put in your character, in fact, if you were to suffer a stroke on your side of the computer, I would never know and never care. Hell, I probably wouldn't care if I did know.
The problem is people think this stuff matters. Yes, enjoy your achievements and your abilities, but why take them so seriously? There is a reason it's called a game. If it was supposed to be taken seriously, we would call it 'war' or 'reality' or more likely, 'what the hell is wrong with you?'
I recently went on a Viking raid which led me to an Internet cafe. The people inside were oblivious to the screams, fire and disembodied heads on the street outside, despite the shop front being made of glass.
As you would expect, Vikings hate getting glass in their beards as it is very tricky to get out without having to shave, and shaving is far, FAR worse than death. Naturally, I went to the store next door, which was a dry cleaners, killed the inhabitants, regretted killing the inhabitants because I needed my bear skin coat pressed, and proceeded to kick a man sized hole in the wall where I burst through to the Internet cafe.
Standing on the body of a crushed nerd, I realised that all the other gamers inside had failed to take notice of my amazing presence. Using the Gentle Beauty (my favourite double-headed axe) I cut arms and hands off randomly selected gamers, and found that only those who had been affected by the Gentle Beauty took any notice of me by screaming and bleeding and running for their lives (see how essay like it is!? That's a rationale people!).
From this test I discovered that people must have a private place in their heads when it comes to dedicated gaming. I have named this the Somethingwrongwithyou brain-space-head thing.
Furthering the study, I ripped out the earphones of an Alpha Male Gamer (which is surprisingly close to the Alpha Male Viking, as we both weigh 120kg, don't shave, have a particular odour and eat constantly) and pushed the Gentle Beauty in his face.
He responded as any Alpha Male would by immediately urinating, defacating and vomiting.
The next moments I will describe as close to reality as I can recall.
My giant, veined biceps strained against my tunic as I held the Gentle Beauty before me.
"Behold!" I bellowed, my powerful voice matching the ferocity of Odin himself, "I Am The Viking Gamer!"
Looking past my enormous pectoral muscles, forged by wrestling with bears and the original Xbox controller, I crinkled my nose at the fat sweaty geek.
"And!" I continued bellowing in his face, "You Really Smell!"
"Please don't kill me!" Cried my certainly soon to be next victim in a voice that was so shrill and womanly I nearly spat on him.
"Look!" he cried again, pulling his wallet out and handing it to me, "I have three level eighty characters on WoW! Do you really want me to never see them again?"
As I looked at the pictures the geek began sobbing violently and continued to defecate himself. The smell was atrocious, but I felt moved by his dedication to his characters.
"I Am Moved By The Dedication To Your Characters!"
The nerd looked up in gratitude.
"Thank you merciful Viking Gamer for..."
"I Am Moved To Kill You!" I said cutting him off. "See What I Did There? You Thought You Were Going To Live! It Is A Viking Joke Yes? Hahahahah! I Laugh At How Funny I Am Today!"
Luckily for him I was joking, and I let him go after I cut all the fingers off his left hand.
As an example of an in-game experience I had, I recently re-downloaded Guild Wars on my computer. After having difficulty with one of the missions I was approached by a high level character who asked if I wanted to team up. In any normal circumstance I would have reported this player to the support team saying the he accosted me in the game, telling me that he was going to rape my dog and make me watch and have him banned from the network for eternity, but I threw caution to the wind and said, 'OK'.
He then proceeded to tell me everything I specifically didn't care about, which was everything he had to say. He told me about his equipment and skill, all of which I had not asked about. He then proceeded to tell me his DPS (damage per second, which is what you brag about when you haven't used your penis in a multiplayer capacity) and how great and 'fast' his character was.
Thinking maybe this was the etiquette, I replied 'OK' and we began to play.
On approaching the mission with high hopes, we began the attack. About two minutes later, I died, and so did my NPCs (non-playable characters that escort you in missions). Realising that my new ally was nowhere to be seen, I double clicked on the auto-find, and my screen zoomed in on the Judas, running away like a peasant. As he was already quite some distance away, he must have tucked his tail between his legs rather quickly. I didn't understand at first, because his character was GREAT wasn't it!?
Reading his last comments, which he must have typed from safety, he said:
Sorry man can't do this (This is OK)
Good luck with it (This is less OK, as he ran away)
I didn't sign up for death lol (What a retard)
This game has no permanent punishment for loss. You lose NOTHING. What does happen is you lose a percentage of health UNTIL YOU RETURN TO A TOWN WHICH IS ALWAYS ONLY A DOUBLE CLICK AWAY.
You didn't sign up for death? Well when you were bragging about how great you were I didn't think I was signing up to fight with an insufferable pussy.
Yes I realise this sounds hypocritical when I say it's just a game, but hell, if I offered to help someone I would try, no matter how many times I died, not only because I am an honourable Viking, but also because there is NO PENALTY FOR DYING.
It's a game people, live or die it really wont effect you unless there is nothing else in your life. And if there is nothing else in your life, then I don't see how a healthy castration will be a problem.
While I do understand that there are gamers out there who aren't this retarded, it's always safer to assume that they will be, and also to make sure to strap on your helmet and raid more Internet cafes.
I give the online gaming general public 5/5 severed fingers. I also don't know whether this is a good or bad thing, but it is a barely veiled threat nonetheless.
Till next time, the gamer with horns in his hat.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Shogun Total War
The peasants are revolting.
Throughout Viking history this has become a fairly common phrase. Vikings are neither elitist or classist, but unfortunately, peasants do tend to be on the more disgusting side of things. They don't have yearly baths like hygienic Vikings do, nor do they chew on bones of pillaged and slaughtered livestock to keep their teeth white and gleaming like mine are.
Playing Shogun, I came to understand that peasants are people too, who have feelings, ideas, dreams and hopes.
They are also good-for-nothing, racist and greedy. How is it my fault that the peasants and Buddhists riot just because I let the Dutch land in our harbours!? I'm sorry I wanted to bring in cultural diversity, trade and international peace to our wharves (and import muskets to promote internal conflict).
The peasants also revolt if you don't have a castle to oppress them, keep an army nearby to oppress them or use Shinobi spies to pyschologically oppress them. The oppression is depressing and I just keep on forgetting that the depression of oppression is lessened with the depression of the oppressed. That simple really.
However, backing away from what is the might of Viking political intellect and the fact that the lower class are abominable, I can proudly pronounce that I love this game.
I bought this game years ago, and it has been a constant 'comfort' game that I can go back to again and again.
Some people might ask, 'But Viking Gamer, what about Medieval Total War? That has an ACTUAL Viking army in it!'
So what? If you worked at an accounting firm would you play: Total War Accounting? Or Total War Balance Sheets? No you wouldn't, because you play games to experience something other than your 9-5 job.
This game plays like Risk, if Risk wasn't incredibly bland and monotonous...
Let me rephrase: it plays like Risk if Risk was actually an awesome, piece moving Samurai game. This is coupled with a true to life RTS system that puts you in full command of your army and its movements.
The decisions you have to make during the game are those you would have to make if you DID have a country to take over. Deciding what troops to move, where to move them, alliances you wish to make, people you wish to assassinate, the types of armies you want to muster, who you trade with...for me this is a dream game. I am literally the commander of all things.
Gamers with a God complex like myself will love it for the same reason. And as far as I'm concerned, it's natural to crave this power, the power to make a difference, to make the world good for your people! Imagine, for example, that you have eloquently applied SEVERAL times to receive powers of arbitrary castration from the Prime Minister and he refuses not only to grant what is a logical and simple request, he also refuses to answer you ENTIRELY. Well, Mr Rudd, I doubt that your party will be receiving mine or any other Vikings vote in the coming election.
The reason I truly love Shogun Total War is that the games premise starts out as: You Lose.
You begin the campaign as one of many small clans in Japan, surrounded on all sides by potential enemies, never knowing with whom you'll make your alliances and when they will inevitably break these alliances to try and crush your forces.
This game is as much about not losing as it is winning. You must simultaneously keep your weaknesses guarded whilst bolstering your strengths. For example, I recently played till I was one of the two clans left. We had equal strength, but my troops were slowly and surely getting the better upgrades. It wouldn't have been long till I tipped the delicate balance of power in my direction.
Thinking as a Viking (i.e. all people fear and worship me), I had failed to build structures and units to stop enemy spies infiltrating and causing unrest among the scum (peasants), and as a result every one of my provinces had revolting peasants revolting.
The next time I played, refusing to let revolting peasants cost me victory, I ensured that my provinces were free of enemy spies by building the necessary units and buildings, only to have enemy Geisha assassins kill my Daimyo (head of my clan) and wipe me off the board.
Many of you may be surprised that I enjoy the fact that loss can come in any form at any time, especially due to my rooms walls being decorated in the weapons that I've thrown in frustration.
But this only adds to the allure of the game for me. Think BIG, plan for EVERYTHING.
The games RTS side is fantastic as well. Troops can be positioned exactly how you want them, and changed on a whim. Hate getting shot at? Loose formation! Want to break through a unit? Wedge formation! Flee on purpose to rally later? FUCK YES!
Positioning of troops is also extremely important. Spears are good against cavalry, muskets are better against those with heavier armour, No-Daichi samurai slay spearmen like I slay Dragons... This game really forces you to think about exactly what you plan to do on the battlefield, what units you're going to use and where and how to use them.
Had I not raided Japan earlier this year, I would definitely sail there on my longship and talk all things battle related, yet as I'm sure their rice paddies haven't grown back and their children are still wetting themselves in terror at the mere sight of a beard, I think I'll leave it for another year or two.
This game is great, and I think every gamer should have a copy. (It's only ten dollars people dont be cheap).
I give this game 4.5 out of 5 revolting peasants.
The point five is because I like cutting peasants in half.
Till next time, the gamer with horns on his hat.
Throughout Viking history this has become a fairly common phrase. Vikings are neither elitist or classist, but unfortunately, peasants do tend to be on the more disgusting side of things. They don't have yearly baths like hygienic Vikings do, nor do they chew on bones of pillaged and slaughtered livestock to keep their teeth white and gleaming like mine are.
Playing Shogun, I came to understand that peasants are people too, who have feelings, ideas, dreams and hopes.
They are also good-for-nothing, racist and greedy. How is it my fault that the peasants and Buddhists riot just because I let the Dutch land in our harbours!? I'm sorry I wanted to bring in cultural diversity, trade and international peace to our wharves (and import muskets to promote internal conflict).
The peasants also revolt if you don't have a castle to oppress them, keep an army nearby to oppress them or use Shinobi spies to pyschologically oppress them. The oppression is depressing and I just keep on forgetting that the depression of oppression is lessened with the depression of the oppressed. That simple really.
However, backing away from what is the might of Viking political intellect and the fact that the lower class are abominable, I can proudly pronounce that I love this game.
I bought this game years ago, and it has been a constant 'comfort' game that I can go back to again and again.
Some people might ask, 'But Viking Gamer, what about Medieval Total War? That has an ACTUAL Viking army in it!'
So what? If you worked at an accounting firm would you play: Total War Accounting? Or Total War Balance Sheets? No you wouldn't, because you play games to experience something other than your 9-5 job.
This game plays like Risk, if Risk wasn't incredibly bland and monotonous...
Let me rephrase: it plays like Risk if Risk was actually an awesome, piece moving Samurai game. This is coupled with a true to life RTS system that puts you in full command of your army and its movements.
The decisions you have to make during the game are those you would have to make if you DID have a country to take over. Deciding what troops to move, where to move them, alliances you wish to make, people you wish to assassinate, the types of armies you want to muster, who you trade with...for me this is a dream game. I am literally the commander of all things.
Gamers with a God complex like myself will love it for the same reason. And as far as I'm concerned, it's natural to crave this power, the power to make a difference, to make the world good for your people! Imagine, for example, that you have eloquently applied SEVERAL times to receive powers of arbitrary castration from the Prime Minister and he refuses not only to grant what is a logical and simple request, he also refuses to answer you ENTIRELY. Well, Mr Rudd, I doubt that your party will be receiving mine or any other Vikings vote in the coming election.
The reason I truly love Shogun Total War is that the games premise starts out as: You Lose.
You begin the campaign as one of many small clans in Japan, surrounded on all sides by potential enemies, never knowing with whom you'll make your alliances and when they will inevitably break these alliances to try and crush your forces.
This game is as much about not losing as it is winning. You must simultaneously keep your weaknesses guarded whilst bolstering your strengths. For example, I recently played till I was one of the two clans left. We had equal strength, but my troops were slowly and surely getting the better upgrades. It wouldn't have been long till I tipped the delicate balance of power in my direction.
Thinking as a Viking (i.e. all people fear and worship me), I had failed to build structures and units to stop enemy spies infiltrating and causing unrest among the scum (peasants), and as a result every one of my provinces had revolting peasants revolting.
The next time I played, refusing to let revolting peasants cost me victory, I ensured that my provinces were free of enemy spies by building the necessary units and buildings, only to have enemy Geisha assassins kill my Daimyo (head of my clan) and wipe me off the board.
Many of you may be surprised that I enjoy the fact that loss can come in any form at any time, especially due to my rooms walls being decorated in the weapons that I've thrown in frustration.
But this only adds to the allure of the game for me. Think BIG, plan for EVERYTHING.
The games RTS side is fantastic as well. Troops can be positioned exactly how you want them, and changed on a whim. Hate getting shot at? Loose formation! Want to break through a unit? Wedge formation! Flee on purpose to rally later? FUCK YES!
Positioning of troops is also extremely important. Spears are good against cavalry, muskets are better against those with heavier armour, No-Daichi samurai slay spearmen like I slay Dragons... This game really forces you to think about exactly what you plan to do on the battlefield, what units you're going to use and where and how to use them.
Had I not raided Japan earlier this year, I would definitely sail there on my longship and talk all things battle related, yet as I'm sure their rice paddies haven't grown back and their children are still wetting themselves in terror at the mere sight of a beard, I think I'll leave it for another year or two.
This game is great, and I think every gamer should have a copy. (It's only ten dollars people dont be cheap).
I give this game 4.5 out of 5 revolting peasants.
The point five is because I like cutting peasants in half.
Till next time, the gamer with horns on his hat.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Monster Hunter Tri
There are times when even I stop and wonder whether it's the majesty of a fine game, the fun, excitement and the sense of achievement that keeps me playing a game till the early hours of the morning, the game doggedly forcing my attention to remain on it, till my passion is consumed and spent.
Or could I simply be addicted to shitty games?
Monster Hunter Tri is either a very good, fun game, or a game that has been designed to get a hand under my horned helmet to force my head toward the screen.
Most of my loyal followers will initially believe that men and women hunting giant, deadly monsters with giant, deadly weapons will be nothing short of the Viking version of the Sims. Yet, this is not so, and ultimately proves that my fan-base, which is surely comprised of the best and brightest in the world, is still ignorant about Vikings and the Viking way of life.
It is because of this reason that I continue to accept questions from my adoring public, and one such question is perfect to not only illuminate Viking society and lifestyle, but directly relate to Monster Hunter Tri.
The question comes from Yngve Ulf. At first I thought it might be from some spam ad asking if I would like to decrease the size of my Viking manhood (Vikings get spam to reduce, as there is no point in making what is already considered a log any bigger). Luckily, I remembered that some Vikings are still named in a way so that if their enemies try to curse their name, they end up choking on their tongue instead. A good defence is a good offence.
Yngve asks: "Do Vikings have any weaknesses? If so, what are they?"
Vikings rarely speak of our weaknesses, even to other Vikings, but I will publicly announce these weaknesses anyway, because I am the keeper of the Dragon Punch and fear nothing.
Our first weakness is our greatest. Once a year for a short period of time, Vikings will cease their plundering, for there is a spirit that Vikings cannot stand to face against.
This spirit of course, is the Christmas spirit. Imagine for a second you are an honest everyday Viking, and you've just busted down the doors of an orphanage. There are decorations everywhere, and a tree and presents, and a little orphan boy who's holding a tiny puppy which is licking his face. In the face of this, how are you supposed to pillage and burn the building down? Vikings have long resented Christmas spirit, as it is almost impossible to do your job right when everyone is smiling.
In fact, I will use this blog to ask you every day people out there to stop being happy. It only makes our job harder. The more miserable you look, the more we'll feel like we're doing you a favour.
Our second weakness is Dragons. When the world was stupid and still believed in these creatures, the Vikings had a running joke that we could only be killed by Dragons, and thus people took this as truth, much like Wikipedia today.
So in Viking society, if we call someone a Dragon Slayer, it means they have told a funny lie, or have slept with someone elses Grandmother, which is also another acceptable form of joking.
How does this relate to Monster Hunter Tri? Well, this game makes me feel like someone has slept with my Grandmother (a Viking colloquialism for 'the jokes on me').
This games ideal is the same as World of Warcraft and other MMORPG's. No story, no ending, just play and get better.
I have never liked games like this before. If the point is to get better so you can get better so you can get better, it's practically pointless. Search for items, kill certain things, become powerful. And then what? Get better again?
But that's just personal taste.
This game denies me everything I want it to be. I want big, lush, colourful landscapes and I get mediocre and limited environments. I want my character to somehow be original, I want to use and present him so he remains unique. Yet side by side to my most common gaming companion we are identical. I wanted each monster to be different, and to have to use varied and sometimes complex methods to bring down a beast, yet I just hack away with whatever weapon I have and they eventually come down.
Some would argue that chopping off tails or damaging manes or the seemingly random inability to attack certain parts of a monster means that they are unique. But they would be wrong (trust me, I'm the one with the helmet).
I've never really aimed my attacks except maybe for FRONT and BACK. This seems to be about as accurate you need to be.
The controls are slow to react, and in a game where dodging and attacking are essential, I find this infuriating. As an example, after running from the battle, being made to stop while you put your weapon away, then being unable to move for the three or more seconds while you ingest a potion, it is incredibly likely you will be hit, thus making the whole process of taking the potion a frustrating nightmare. It's also a pain in my muscled Viking arse when I try to do a dodge move backwards, holding the analog stick towards me, as in away from the screen, as in BACKWARDS, and he dodges forward INTO THE ATTACK! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
The monsters are predictable after a while, and this takes away the fun for me. I want to see an enraged beast acting out of adrenaline, using its natural size, strength and weight to kill an enemy. Watching the creature do the same series of actions, which don't seem to correspond with what's happening around it just makes me just want throw my Wii at a priest.
...But I don't. Even though the game has frustrated me as much as priests do, denied me everything it could have been and is the reason my rooms walls are currently littered with embedded weapons, I haven't stopped playing it.
Despite the internet connection and friend making component of the Wii system and the game itself, which is a laborious task (I had to take a week off Viking-ing to recover), this game is fun to play with your friends.
This is the first game I have felt that you truly work with your friends to achieve better results. My companion needed to get a bug, so we did missions to find the bug. We wanted more claws, so we pwned some noob and got more claws. We both got better with eachothers help.
I can completely understand why this game has had a huge cult following for years. It's the same reason people love World of Warcraft. You get better to get better, and your character looks cooler and with that comes a semblance of respect. But for me, if this game didn't have an online component, or my friends didn't own it, I would've stopped playing it the day I bought it.
Monster Hunter Tris' only saving grace is its online play, and the fact that I have good friends to play it with. Due to this, I will give it two sets of scores, one for people like me, who are well loved and have lots of friends, and for those who have no friends except for those you draw on the birthday card you had to send yourself.
For people with friends: Mark's Marks: 3.5/5
For those who'll inevitably die alone: 1/5
Til next time, the gamer with horns on his hat.
PS. The Viking Gamer now has his own website, http://www.thevikinggamer.tk/. Become a follower for your chance to receive amazing prizes!
PPS. The Viking Gamer loves that people love him enough to send him questions, so keep that giant ego afloat with your adoring mail.
PPPS. Santa was a Viking. The reason people celebrate Christmas day is because, long ago Säntä (his real name) decided not to kill people for one day a year. If you dont believe me, Wikipedia is right there for you.
Or could I simply be addicted to shitty games?
Monster Hunter Tri is either a very good, fun game, or a game that has been designed to get a hand under my horned helmet to force my head toward the screen.
Most of my loyal followers will initially believe that men and women hunting giant, deadly monsters with giant, deadly weapons will be nothing short of the Viking version of the Sims. Yet, this is not so, and ultimately proves that my fan-base, which is surely comprised of the best and brightest in the world, is still ignorant about Vikings and the Viking way of life.
It is because of this reason that I continue to accept questions from my adoring public, and one such question is perfect to not only illuminate Viking society and lifestyle, but directly relate to Monster Hunter Tri.
The question comes from Yngve Ulf. At first I thought it might be from some spam ad asking if I would like to decrease the size of my Viking manhood (Vikings get spam to reduce, as there is no point in making what is already considered a log any bigger). Luckily, I remembered that some Vikings are still named in a way so that if their enemies try to curse their name, they end up choking on their tongue instead. A good defence is a good offence.
Yngve asks: "Do Vikings have any weaknesses? If so, what are they?"
Vikings rarely speak of our weaknesses, even to other Vikings, but I will publicly announce these weaknesses anyway, because I am the keeper of the Dragon Punch and fear nothing.
Our first weakness is our greatest. Once a year for a short period of time, Vikings will cease their plundering, for there is a spirit that Vikings cannot stand to face against.
This spirit of course, is the Christmas spirit. Imagine for a second you are an honest everyday Viking, and you've just busted down the doors of an orphanage. There are decorations everywhere, and a tree and presents, and a little orphan boy who's holding a tiny puppy which is licking his face. In the face of this, how are you supposed to pillage and burn the building down? Vikings have long resented Christmas spirit, as it is almost impossible to do your job right when everyone is smiling.
In fact, I will use this blog to ask you every day people out there to stop being happy. It only makes our job harder. The more miserable you look, the more we'll feel like we're doing you a favour.
Our second weakness is Dragons. When the world was stupid and still believed in these creatures, the Vikings had a running joke that we could only be killed by Dragons, and thus people took this as truth, much like Wikipedia today.
So in Viking society, if we call someone a Dragon Slayer, it means they have told a funny lie, or have slept with someone elses Grandmother, which is also another acceptable form of joking.
How does this relate to Monster Hunter Tri? Well, this game makes me feel like someone has slept with my Grandmother (a Viking colloquialism for 'the jokes on me').
This games ideal is the same as World of Warcraft and other MMORPG's. No story, no ending, just play and get better.
I have never liked games like this before. If the point is to get better so you can get better so you can get better, it's practically pointless. Search for items, kill certain things, become powerful. And then what? Get better again?
But that's just personal taste.
This game denies me everything I want it to be. I want big, lush, colourful landscapes and I get mediocre and limited environments. I want my character to somehow be original, I want to use and present him so he remains unique. Yet side by side to my most common gaming companion we are identical. I wanted each monster to be different, and to have to use varied and sometimes complex methods to bring down a beast, yet I just hack away with whatever weapon I have and they eventually come down.
Some would argue that chopping off tails or damaging manes or the seemingly random inability to attack certain parts of a monster means that they are unique. But they would be wrong (trust me, I'm the one with the helmet).
I've never really aimed my attacks except maybe for FRONT and BACK. This seems to be about as accurate you need to be.
The controls are slow to react, and in a game where dodging and attacking are essential, I find this infuriating. As an example, after running from the battle, being made to stop while you put your weapon away, then being unable to move for the three or more seconds while you ingest a potion, it is incredibly likely you will be hit, thus making the whole process of taking the potion a frustrating nightmare. It's also a pain in my muscled Viking arse when I try to do a dodge move backwards, holding the analog stick towards me, as in away from the screen, as in BACKWARDS, and he dodges forward INTO THE ATTACK! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
The monsters are predictable after a while, and this takes away the fun for me. I want to see an enraged beast acting out of adrenaline, using its natural size, strength and weight to kill an enemy. Watching the creature do the same series of actions, which don't seem to correspond with what's happening around it just makes me just want throw my Wii at a priest.
...But I don't. Even though the game has frustrated me as much as priests do, denied me everything it could have been and is the reason my rooms walls are currently littered with embedded weapons, I haven't stopped playing it.
Despite the internet connection and friend making component of the Wii system and the game itself, which is a laborious task (I had to take a week off Viking-ing to recover), this game is fun to play with your friends.
This is the first game I have felt that you truly work with your friends to achieve better results. My companion needed to get a bug, so we did missions to find the bug. We wanted more claws, so we pwned some noob and got more claws. We both got better with eachothers help.
I can completely understand why this game has had a huge cult following for years. It's the same reason people love World of Warcraft. You get better to get better, and your character looks cooler and with that comes a semblance of respect. But for me, if this game didn't have an online component, or my friends didn't own it, I would've stopped playing it the day I bought it.
Monster Hunter Tris' only saving grace is its online play, and the fact that I have good friends to play it with. Due to this, I will give it two sets of scores, one for people like me, who are well loved and have lots of friends, and for those who have no friends except for those you draw on the birthday card you had to send yourself.
For people with friends: Mark's Marks: 3.5/5
For those who'll inevitably die alone: 1/5
Til next time, the gamer with horns on his hat.
PS. The Viking Gamer now has his own website, http://www.thevikinggamer.tk/. Become a follower for your chance to receive amazing prizes!
PPS. The Viking Gamer loves that people love him enough to send him questions, so keep that giant ego afloat with your adoring mail.
PPPS. Santa was a Viking. The reason people celebrate Christmas day is because, long ago Säntä (his real name) decided not to kill people for one day a year. If you dont believe me, Wikipedia is right there for you.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Gaming Service Announcement
Dear readers, there are so many things I want to write, but in todays blog, I must address this. No matter how enraged you are at a fellow gamer online, never EVER contact them. Ever.
This is for two reasons. The first, as I've found out, is that if you have a simple proposition to put forward, such as asking someone to turn off their shitty rnb/punk/metal/hip hop sound track, or to stop using a glitch in the gamer to ruin what would have been an enjoyable experience had they not cheated, the proposition will be ignored.
The type of person to institute such behaviour on a public network is obviously having issues at home. To be fair, if I was their parent I would beat them as well. And while I know there is a mute button, one of the best ways of no longer listening to other peoples shitty music while playing is to sing it loudly and badly into your microphone. This can backfire though, as you may be in the winning Viking Glee Club as the lead vocalist, and people start requesting some of their favourite tunes.
The second reason I re-discovered last night, when a fellow gamer called me, in no uncertain terms, a 'CAMPING CUNT!!!'.
This was the title of a message he sent me, with no body explaining why he had made such an accusation. And as he has some anonymity, and decided to send me a message with his addy, I can now legally broadcast allllllll over the web. Everyone, say hello to: wesley_snipes69.
I can't even begin to explain how aggressively stupid this is. I am about 99% sure that he's not actually Wesley Snipes, but in the one percent likelihood that he is, I'd like to give a shout out. Blade fucking rocked until the third instalment. What the hell were you thinking?
However, there are two sides to every story, and as a just and fair Viking, I will let you know his.
I was defending a flag in COD Modern Warfare 2 in a position where, upon the flag being taken, I could quickly pop up and shoot them. This position is incredibly vulnerable, as a grenade or rocket launched in my general vicinity turn me into chunks of Viking. As there are two very easy ways to get to my position, it's also incredibly easy to sneak up on me and stab me in the back. In fact, when I am on the opposing side, I always launch a grenade or rocket into the general vicinity to make sure no-one else is there.
I must have shot Mr. Snipes at one time because soon after the match was over I received that incredibly insulting message.
I will post the back and forth, adjusting my slight grammatical errors as I would have done had the PS messaging system not been a piece of shit:
wesley_snipes69: CAMPING CUNT!!!
Viking Gamer: What do you think they do in real warfare, you retarded inbred fuck?
wesley_snipes69: dw its real its not a game fucking idiot
Viking Gamer: The whole point is to be tactical. Your side can camp as well for a defensive stance. You're too stupid to argue with. Please castrate yourself so you don't further infest the genepool.
wesley_snipes69: rofl how long that take you to think of and type you sad cunt
Viking Gamer: Took me a while to type, but not that long to think of. It didn't take me that long to think of because unlike you my IQ isn't stuck in the double digits. If you plan on reproducing, make sure it's with your mother or sister so your child has a legitimate claim for retardation.
wesley_snipes69: faggot trying to act all mature fucking soft cock
There are just so many things wrong with this person that explaining them would take years of writing and a team of pyschologists to explain.
And we come to the second conclusion: Never argue with someone more stupid than you. They will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
I think my favourite thing about Mr. 69 is his inability to separate the difference between someone speaking eloquently and succinctly, and someone trying to be mature. Mr. 69, please report to the police that your parents have well and truly failed.
Due to the fact I'm still halfway through reviewing Monster Hunter Tri, I've decided to rate Mr. 69 instead.
Mr. 69 is an idiot, and if you own a PS3, feel free to drop him a line.
Mark's Marks: 0.00005/5
0.000025 is for managing to somehow disprove Darwins theory, and the other 0.000025 is for giving something to write about.
Til next time, from the gamer with horns on his hat.
This is for two reasons. The first, as I've found out, is that if you have a simple proposition to put forward, such as asking someone to turn off their shitty rnb/punk/metal/hip hop sound track, or to stop using a glitch in the gamer to ruin what would have been an enjoyable experience had they not cheated, the proposition will be ignored.
The type of person to institute such behaviour on a public network is obviously having issues at home. To be fair, if I was their parent I would beat them as well. And while I know there is a mute button, one of the best ways of no longer listening to other peoples shitty music while playing is to sing it loudly and badly into your microphone. This can backfire though, as you may be in the winning Viking Glee Club as the lead vocalist, and people start requesting some of their favourite tunes.
The second reason I re-discovered last night, when a fellow gamer called me, in no uncertain terms, a 'CAMPING CUNT!!!'.
This was the title of a message he sent me, with no body explaining why he had made such an accusation. And as he has some anonymity, and decided to send me a message with his addy, I can now legally broadcast allllllll over the web. Everyone, say hello to: wesley_snipes69.
I can't even begin to explain how aggressively stupid this is. I am about 99% sure that he's not actually Wesley Snipes, but in the one percent likelihood that he is, I'd like to give a shout out. Blade fucking rocked until the third instalment. What the hell were you thinking?
However, there are two sides to every story, and as a just and fair Viking, I will let you know his.
I was defending a flag in COD Modern Warfare 2 in a position where, upon the flag being taken, I could quickly pop up and shoot them. This position is incredibly vulnerable, as a grenade or rocket launched in my general vicinity turn me into chunks of Viking. As there are two very easy ways to get to my position, it's also incredibly easy to sneak up on me and stab me in the back. In fact, when I am on the opposing side, I always launch a grenade or rocket into the general vicinity to make sure no-one else is there.
I must have shot Mr. Snipes at one time because soon after the match was over I received that incredibly insulting message.
I will post the back and forth, adjusting my slight grammatical errors as I would have done had the PS messaging system not been a piece of shit:
wesley_snipes69: CAMPING CUNT!!!
Viking Gamer: What do you think they do in real warfare, you retarded inbred fuck?
wesley_snipes69: dw its real its not a game fucking idiot
Viking Gamer: The whole point is to be tactical. Your side can camp as well for a defensive stance. You're too stupid to argue with. Please castrate yourself so you don't further infest the genepool.
wesley_snipes69: rofl how long that take you to think of and type you sad cunt
Viking Gamer: Took me a while to type, but not that long to think of. It didn't take me that long to think of because unlike you my IQ isn't stuck in the double digits. If you plan on reproducing, make sure it's with your mother or sister so your child has a legitimate claim for retardation.
wesley_snipes69: faggot trying to act all mature fucking soft cock
There are just so many things wrong with this person that explaining them would take years of writing and a team of pyschologists to explain.
And we come to the second conclusion: Never argue with someone more stupid than you. They will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
I think my favourite thing about Mr. 69 is his inability to separate the difference between someone speaking eloquently and succinctly, and someone trying to be mature. Mr. 69, please report to the police that your parents have well and truly failed.
Due to the fact I'm still halfway through reviewing Monster Hunter Tri, I've decided to rate Mr. 69 instead.
Mr. 69 is an idiot, and if you own a PS3, feel free to drop him a line.
Mark's Marks: 0.00005/5
0.000025 is for managing to somehow disprove Darwins theory, and the other 0.000025 is for giving something to write about.
Til next time, from the gamer with horns on his hat.
Monday, May 3, 2010
BlazBlue
I have had a literal flood of emails coming my way. Literally. I suppose not really literally. It's actually a way of saying, a LOT of emails. There's not that many things that can flood besides water, and I don't even think water 'floods'. I'm pretty sure it just rises beyond an acceptable standard. Actually that kind of shits me, who are we to judge water on how high it decides to rise? Well not me! If someone were to say to me, 'Mark, you're a bad-arse Viking, but you should stop charging people while wearing your helmet and impaling them and then going to dinner parties pretending you don't have a disemboweled corpse draped on your head' I would have to say, 'then how would people know that I'm a (hilarious) Viking?'
See people? Just let water do what it wants to do. It rises, it falls, we drink it and once a year we wash ourselves with it.
I hope you have enjoyed my review, from the gamer with horns on his...
Sorry readers. I get a little ahead of myself. This is mainly because of how passionately I support the Water Liberation Movement.
But back on track, I have received a floo...I have received a Fuck-Load of emails asking me questions, both professional and personal.
Today's blog coincides with a question from twelve year old Jurgen Axekillerolaf, who asked, "Viking Gamer, what is your favourite game genre and why?"
Hating children, I almost refused to answer this question, but loving myself so immensely, I am able to make this boys dream come true by talking about myself.
I love fighting games. For me, sitting down and figuring out the best way to use a character has a direct reward, as you can see yourself improving with each and every trial and error.
The variety and style of each character means there are literally thousands and thousands of ways to train and several different tactics on how to use each character and then different tactics on how to use them against other characters.
I'm not the kind of gamer who plays an adventure game and 'gets every reward' or goes back to 'pick up useless item that has no effect on the game play or whatever and waste three hours of my life and then call up the Viking Gamer and be all like, 'Hey did you get this item? Oh you didn't? But I thought you were a real gamer? Oh well, trophies aren't for some people'.
I actually do believe in some trophies. For instance, I met up with this guy the day after he called me, and now have his head on my 'endangered species' wall.
What I truly love about fighting games is that skill is apparent. You can see how well a person knows not only their favourite character, but how well they know every character. And that, ladies and gentleman, is someone who's very good at gaming.
BlazBlue is a 2d, anime-style awesome fest.
The graphics are beautiful and smooth, each character has their own unique vibrancy and their movements are complete (not this bullshit the fist is at their side, and then at your face without anything in between). The background scenes are colourful and lush without ever impeding the actual fighting. This has happened on several 2d fighters for me, as a persons clothes or action my be the same colour as something in the background, and due to that one misconception between a chicken flapping in a cage and a kick to the face, you lose the match, leaving a bitter taste in your mouth and getting grounded for having split the TV in two with your axe.
What I truly love about this fighting game is that it has extended the new trend of making special moves easier to do. No longer do you need double jointed digits or a broken index to pull off your big move, all you need to do is a half circle.
This is what make this game so great for me. You shouldn't ever have to be a joystick expert (snigger) to pull off a move. Sure they should be a little harder to pull off (SNIGGER), but the point of being good at fighting games is knowing when to pull it off (snigger...?)
The combat itself is another thing I've fallen in love with. Each character has their own unique speed, movements and actions, meaning great versatility and a different fight every time.
Does anyone remember using Venom in Street Fighter vs Capcom? Or the drunken boxer from DOA 4? Or any zany character that felt COMPLETELY different from every other character?
I can safely say that every character in BlazBlue feels this way. They all play exceptionally differently. And the great thing is, unlike the characters I've just mentioned, button mashing is not the way to be good with the characters. You can figure them out just as easily as you could figure out how to use Kuma from Tekken effectively (by that I mean square, square triangle. If you don't get it, regret your entire life and move to Mexico).
I would love to comment on the story, but I honestly don't get what the hell it's about. It is so, so much more confusing than FFXIII, but has the added benefit of not sucking so badly that you cry in the foetal position until someone comes and turns the console off for you.
This game has been incredibly hard to review as the experience of playing it can't truly be put into words. There isn't really anything else I can say about the game, other than that if you like fighting games, this is going to be the best fighter of the year. It's a bargain at JB HIFI for AU$60 bucks INCLUDING A FREE ARCADE STICK OMFGBBQ!
BlazBlue has set a benchmark for 2d fighters, and I'm sure this game will keep me and many other gamers like me entertained for a long while.
Mark's Marks: 4/5
Till next time, from the gamer with horn on his hat.
See people? Just let water do what it wants to do. It rises, it falls, we drink it and once a year we wash ourselves with it.
I hope you have enjoyed my review, from the gamer with horns on his...
Sorry readers. I get a little ahead of myself. This is mainly because of how passionately I support the Water Liberation Movement.
But back on track, I have received a floo...I have received a Fuck-Load of emails asking me questions, both professional and personal.
Today's blog coincides with a question from twelve year old Jurgen Axekillerolaf, who asked, "Viking Gamer, what is your favourite game genre and why?"
Hating children, I almost refused to answer this question, but loving myself so immensely, I am able to make this boys dream come true by talking about myself.
I love fighting games. For me, sitting down and figuring out the best way to use a character has a direct reward, as you can see yourself improving with each and every trial and error.
The variety and style of each character means there are literally thousands and thousands of ways to train and several different tactics on how to use each character and then different tactics on how to use them against other characters.
I'm not the kind of gamer who plays an adventure game and 'gets every reward' or goes back to 'pick up useless item that has no effect on the game play or whatever and waste three hours of my life and then call up the Viking Gamer and be all like, 'Hey did you get this item? Oh you didn't? But I thought you were a real gamer? Oh well, trophies aren't for some people'.
I actually do believe in some trophies. For instance, I met up with this guy the day after he called me, and now have his head on my 'endangered species' wall.
What I truly love about fighting games is that skill is apparent. You can see how well a person knows not only their favourite character, but how well they know every character. And that, ladies and gentleman, is someone who's very good at gaming.
BlazBlue is a 2d, anime-style awesome fest.
The graphics are beautiful and smooth, each character has their own unique vibrancy and their movements are complete (not this bullshit the fist is at their side, and then at your face without anything in between). The background scenes are colourful and lush without ever impeding the actual fighting. This has happened on several 2d fighters for me, as a persons clothes or action my be the same colour as something in the background, and due to that one misconception between a chicken flapping in a cage and a kick to the face, you lose the match, leaving a bitter taste in your mouth and getting grounded for having split the TV in two with your axe.
What I truly love about this fighting game is that it has extended the new trend of making special moves easier to do. No longer do you need double jointed digits or a broken index to pull off your big move, all you need to do is a half circle.
This is what make this game so great for me. You shouldn't ever have to be a joystick expert (snigger) to pull off a move. Sure they should be a little harder to pull off (SNIGGER), but the point of being good at fighting games is knowing when to pull it off (snigger...?)
The combat itself is another thing I've fallen in love with. Each character has their own unique speed, movements and actions, meaning great versatility and a different fight every time.
Does anyone remember using Venom in Street Fighter vs Capcom? Or the drunken boxer from DOA 4? Or any zany character that felt COMPLETELY different from every other character?
I can safely say that every character in BlazBlue feels this way. They all play exceptionally differently. And the great thing is, unlike the characters I've just mentioned, button mashing is not the way to be good with the characters. You can figure them out just as easily as you could figure out how to use Kuma from Tekken effectively (by that I mean square, square triangle. If you don't get it, regret your entire life and move to Mexico).
I would love to comment on the story, but I honestly don't get what the hell it's about. It is so, so much more confusing than FFXIII, but has the added benefit of not sucking so badly that you cry in the foetal position until someone comes and turns the console off for you.
This game has been incredibly hard to review as the experience of playing it can't truly be put into words. There isn't really anything else I can say about the game, other than that if you like fighting games, this is going to be the best fighter of the year. It's a bargain at JB HIFI for AU$60 bucks INCLUDING A FREE ARCADE STICK OMFGBBQ!
BlazBlue has set a benchmark for 2d fighters, and I'm sure this game will keep me and many other gamers like me entertained for a long while.
Mark's Marks: 4/5
Till next time, from the gamer with horn on his hat.
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