Shogun Total War

The peasants are revolting.

Throughout Viking history this has become a fairly common phrase. Vikings are neither elitist or classist, but unfortunately, peasants do tend to be on the more disgusting side of things. They don't have yearly baths like hygienic Vikings do, nor do they chew on bones of pillaged and slaughtered livestock to keep their teeth white and gleaming like mine are.

Playing Shogun, I came to understand that peasants are people too, who have feelings, ideas, dreams and hopes.

They are also good-for-nothing, racist and greedy. How is it my fault that the peasants and Buddhists riot just because I let the Dutch land in our harbours!? I'm sorry I wanted to bring in cultural diversity, trade and international peace to our wharves (and import muskets to promote internal conflict).

The peasants also revolt if you don't have a castle to oppress them, keep an army nearby to oppress them or use Shinobi spies to pyschologically oppress them. The oppression is depressing and I just keep on forgetting that the depression of oppression is lessened with the depression of the oppressed. That simple really.

However, backing away from what is the might of Viking political intellect and the fact that the lower class are abominable, I can proudly pronounce that I love this game.

I bought this game years ago, and it has been a constant 'comfort' game that I can go back to again and again.

Some people might ask, 'But Viking Gamer, what about Medieval Total War? That has an ACTUAL Viking army in it!'

So what? If you worked at an accounting firm would you play: Total War Accounting? Or Total War Balance Sheets? No you wouldn't, because you play games to experience something other than your 9-5 job.

This game plays like Risk, if Risk wasn't incredibly bland and monotonous...
Let me rephrase: it plays like Risk if Risk was actually an awesome, piece moving Samurai game. This is coupled with a true to life RTS system that puts you in full command of your army and its movements.

The decisions you have to make during the game are those you would have to make if you DID have a country to take over. Deciding what troops to move, where to move them, alliances you wish to make, people you wish to assassinate, the types of armies you want to muster, who you trade with...for me this is a dream game. I am literally the commander of all things.

Gamers with a God complex like myself will love it for the same reason. And as far as I'm concerned, it's natural to crave this power, the power to make a difference, to make the world good for your people! Imagine, for example, that you have eloquently applied SEVERAL times to receive powers of arbitrary castration from the Prime Minister and he refuses not only to grant what is a logical and simple request, he also refuses to answer you ENTIRELY. Well, Mr Rudd, I doubt that your party will be receiving mine or any other Vikings vote in the coming election.


The reason I truly love Shogun Total War is that the games premise starts out as: You Lose.

You begin the campaign as one of many small clans in Japan, surrounded on all sides by potential enemies, never knowing with whom you'll make your alliances and when they will inevitably break these alliances to try and crush your forces.

This game is as much about not losing as it is winning. You must simultaneously keep your weaknesses guarded whilst bolstering your strengths. For example, I recently played till I was one of the two clans left. We had equal strength, but my troops were slowly and surely getting the better upgrades. It wouldn't have been long till I tipped the delicate balance of power in my direction.

Thinking as a Viking (i.e. all people fear and worship me), I had failed to build structures and units to stop enemy spies infiltrating and causing unrest among the scum (peasants), and as a result every one of my provinces had revolting peasants revolting.

The next time I played, refusing to let revolting peasants cost me victory, I ensured that my provinces were free of enemy spies by building the necessary units and buildings, only to have enemy Geisha assassins kill my Daimyo (head of my clan) and wipe me off the board.

Many of you may be surprised that I enjoy the fact that loss can come in any form at any time, especially due to my rooms walls being decorated in the weapons that I've thrown in frustration.

But this only adds to the allure of the game for me. Think BIG, plan for EVERYTHING.


The games RTS side is fantastic as well. Troops can be positioned exactly how you want them, and changed on a whim. Hate getting shot at? Loose formation! Want to break through a unit? Wedge formation! Flee on purpose to rally later? FUCK YES!

Positioning of troops is also extremely important. Spears are good against cavalry, muskets are better against those with heavier armour, No-Daichi samurai slay spearmen like I slay Dragons... This game really forces you to think about exactly what you plan to do on the battlefield, what units you're going to use and where and how to use them.


Had I not raided Japan earlier this year, I would definitely sail there on my longship and talk all things battle related, yet as I'm sure their rice paddies haven't grown back and their children are still wetting themselves in terror at the mere sight of a beard, I think I'll leave it for another year or two.


This game is great, and I think every gamer should have a copy. (It's only ten dollars people dont be cheap).


I give this game 4.5 out of 5 revolting peasants.

The point five is because I like cutting peasants in half.

Till next time, the gamer with horns on his hat.