FPS: Viking Style

You would think that as a mighty kick-arse Viking that I would already have my fill of being so powerful in combat that the very sight of a horned-hat still causes entire cities to evacuate their homes and their bowels.

Unfortunately for the people in these cities and gamers online, my thirst to pwn is too powerful to ignore. Much too powerful. I'm thinking of actually organising my own intervention, because sometimes I can get really out of hand. And it's really a sad cycle, because after one of my 'incidents' and the party is ruined (and I mean that quite literally as the building the party is held in only has one wall and the roof left) I am left alone, which makes me a sad Viking and leads to me to trying to find new friends and better parties and more resistant walls or at least less resistant roofs, and then some idiot will say 'I hear these walls are super resistant' in passing conversation and then the Gentle Beauty will appear in my hands as if by magic, and in trying to prove myself to a new group of people I will inevitably, once again, turn a party into a corpse-ridden ruin with only one wall and the roof remaining.

I am the Viking Gamer and I have a problem. Thanks to the internet, my simple problem of what to do when the urge to pwn takes me when I'm in my Viking house is solved.

FPS's (first-person shooter {DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH}) are the modern placebo to ease our basic human/Viking need to express dominance over others. And why not? Besides the atrocities committed to grammar and the english language, there are no victims in online competition.

At the moment there are an abundance of FPS's available, so I have put on my Viking hat and answered the my own call of duty in bringing you a comparative review of the games I actually own. Due to my inability to figure out how to get images that aren't copyrighted, and fearing getting the horned hat sued off my head, I will try to images up at a later date.

MAG

MAG stood for or stands for Massive Action Game. I hope they actually dropped that as a massive action game could be anything. Devil May Cry is a massive action game, due to it being massively awesome and involving action and actually being a game. Hell, if you connected me up to a controller my life would be a MAG.

Moving on, I really couldn't get into this game. The hook for this game was that it was supposed to be massive, truly massive, in allowing 256 players to play against each other simultaneously. While it delivered on this, I honestly couldn't tell the difference between playing on this scale and playing with the 30 or so players on COD.

Due to the enormity of the maps, players being split up into units and teams spawning closer to a specific objective as to encourage teams to try and complete these objectives. With this setup it's more than likely that you will only really get to battle against your counterpart unit from the other team. While the idea that you were fighting with a hundred or so other people was cool, I couldn't feel a connection to these players.

Even though we were technically under one player, a major (most probably an weighty hairy nerd like myself) there was no sense that this player was co-ordinating the battle, and if he was, what could he honestly do? He could say, 'unit B go to B point', but this is the net. We have complete freedom in this online universe to do whatever is possible in the game. I could just as easily tell him I'm the Viking Gamer and that he, a mere non-Viking mortal couldn't instruct me on what to do. Imagine if our good friend Mr. Snipes was to get an order issued to him. The devastation to English grammar and spelling would be catastrophic.

The weapons and levelling system in this game were awful as well. To give you a basic run-through, you decide between being an operative in one of three different factions; Raven, Valor and S.V.E.R. Raven are the high tech, highly trained operatives; Valor are Yank stereotypes and SVER are the most badly voice-acted, stereotyped 'rebels' or 'insurgents' or 'freedom fighters' from somewhere. Judging by their accents they are probably from the Middle-eastern-Indian-South African-Pongo Pongo region of the world.

Once you choose your team, and by that I mean definitively choose as once I chose I couldn't for the life of my figure out how to start a new character, you begin.

Your character starts out, as expected, with average gear and a choice of customizing that gear to your preferred style of play. Unexpectedly however, you are given armour choices. My first thought was, and unequivocally, WTF. This isn't WoW, Guild Wars or Borderlands. At first I thought this was still fair and balanced as the armour typed allowed a certain amount of speed and protection (protection ↑ = speed ↓ and vice versa) but unfortunately there's much better armour later on in the game. This isn't a RPG people, it's a FPS, where the only things that should really count towards your living or dying are your abilities to aim and duck.

At first I disregarded my uneasy feeling towards this setup and started up a game, believing that my abilities to aim and duck would give me the edge I needed to really get into the game. This did not go according to plan. At all.

The automatic rifle and light machine guns I began with had ADHD, and bullets refused to go where I shot them. It's like your first time at paintball all over again. I can honestly spit with more accuracy than these guns could fire.

The sniper, on the other hand, was incredibly accurate. It was also incredibly boring. No sway, just a giant cross-hair and bullets that kill in a shot or two. Using it for the first time, I found a position and began my time as an invisible killer. After about 20 straight kills and running out of ammo, I began to wonder whether I was just incredibly good or whether this game was just really, really bad.

Lastly, I haven't mentioned the graphics in MAG because there's nothing about them that's particularly remarkable or hasn't already been accomplished by another FPS (on the Playstation 2).

COD MOD 2

COD MOD 2 (or Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 {DUUUUUUHHHHHHBEBBYYYYFLEEEEEEH}) is what I consider to be the benchmark of shooting games. The graphics are good, it's fairly realistic, has a great levelling system, has an excellent range of weapons which are not only tactical but well-balanced and has a great range of modes to play online.

The only things I can really say about COD, besides that it has achieved an excellent level of balance, is that it has exceptional, near absolutely perfect levels.

There is no point in COD that I feel completely safe. There are two entrances to every building, there are a hundred ways to sneak up on an enemy and in those sneaky positions that take a bit of running and climbing to get to you're left out in the open with no real protection. There are no places to camp unfairly and no clear advantages in spawning on a certain side of the map.

The killcam feature of this game means that you can always find out roughly where that sneaky sniper is hiding to exact your Viking revenge, and if you are the sniper, it forces you to change positions meaning a constant flow of game play.

If I have one complaint against COD, and I do, it's that it takes me about 30000 years to connect to a game online, and that's not even when I'm trying to enter a game in a party with Ianardo. When that happens, the game will either drop one of us or both of us and then make us add each other again then take 30000 years to find a game then drop one or both of us and repeat the cycle. While this makes me want to shoot myself in the face, the match we actually DO get to play in often numbs my anger, making me forget the many hours of my life I've wasted waiting to pwn.

Lastly, get COD on the PS3 and add me as a friend. You know you want to.

KILLZONE 2

Killzone 2 is stunning. The environments are beautiful. The game play is incredibly realistic. The grenades are super fun to use. Levelling brings you classes which are actually useful in their diversity. The aiming system is great and the missions in the multiplayer mode are not only fun but actually require team work and a different range of classes to really accomplish.

In Killzone you begin as a soldier with a choice of two different but incredibly similar automatic rifles. These rifles are your bread and butter, and unlike MAG (Massive Waste of Time) these rifles will serve purpose of killing people no matter what your level of accomplishment is.

When you are introduced to new classes and a different array of weaponry, there are clear choices to be made about what role you wish to play during the game, and upon death you can alter these choices to suit the current objective or if you just want to see how it looks when someone else's face is blown off with a different gun. My favourite class would have to be Scout, as they can deploy flares which allow fellow players to spawn at this point. Tactical game play anyone?

However, I have two problems with the game. No.1 is that this game is in desperate need of a killcam, and that's because of reason no. 2.

This games levels are stunning to play in, but are not as balanced as they could or should be. For instance, I found a spot, despite being quite in the open, gave me a terrific, and I mean TERRIFIC, view of enemy players. I was able to kill about 20-30 odd players without a single death. This wasn't due to incredible skill or accuracy (even though I have both). It was due to my excellent position and due to the fact none of the opposing players could figure out where I was. A killcam would be great here, as I got bored with continually shooting down players and they were probably quite furious with getting shot down without ever knowing where I was. If at that stage I had the sniper rifle, I have no doubt that I could have easily racked about 50 kills, and once again to clarify, not because of how awesome I am (and I am reinstating that I am), but because of this position.

Another problem I've found with the level design is that in death matches, more often than not, one team ends up holed up in their base (which is the default place to spawn) and then having to continually fire out and throw grenades through a single door.

In conclusion, I am tipping one of my horns to COD and the other to Killzone, as they have proven themselves to be excellent. To MAG, however, I give you my middle finger and hope you get dysentery.

Til next time, the gamer with horns on his hat.

Supernova

As you can see, I'm dressed as Zack Fair from Final Fantasy VII, and life couldn't be any better.

Supernova is the one event of the year in which I can let down my Viking Hat (quite literally) and embrace the geekdom that is a large part of who I am. It's a place where wearing skivvy is a sign of manliness and dedication. It's a place where you can buy your favourite weapon from your favourite game. It's a place where you can find someone dressed as your least favourite character and kick them for good measure. (Unfortunately, Tidus is so hated by the geek community that no-one bothered to dress as him, and thus my steel capped boots went home unused. I only managed to find a small Asian lady dressed as Yuna and pushed her into a thresher, but this didn't give me the release I so needed).

I had a blast at Supernova, I really did. I bought lots of junk that I don't need, including awful games I would have never bought had they been over the eight dollars I spent on them, looked at all the illustrators from different comics and mostly enjoyed watching the cosplay (costume) competition.

BUT, unfortunately for myself and Supernova, I am not the happy-go-lucky Viking. I am the Viking Gamer, and let me tell you, the gaming portion of this event left something to be desired.

It was well and good they had some Xbox's in the Game section (as in the retailer Game, and not a section devoted to gaming which would have been much better) with a couple of different to try, a Wii with Red Steel 2 and another Wii with a multiplayer dance game (yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn). It was not really well or good that Fifa on the PS3 was in a section for Samsung or some other bullshit company trying to simultaneously peddle their wares at me and convince me to play.

It was pretty damn awful that they only had a demo for Gothic 4 Arcania. This is my favourite sentence as it can portray two things I found frustrating about this situation. There was only one demo of a game yet to be released, which is frustrating. There was also only ONE console to actually play it on. One demo to play between another 2000 or so sweaty hairy nerds that are being transfixed by its beautiful graphics and impressive creatures and character design. What the hell people!?

Lastly, and the most disappointing part of the show was the actual LAN gaming section. There were about 10-15 computers, tops. They were in some kind of weird barrier gate thing which in my Viking nature I almost kicked down. Everyone was playing a different game. There weren't any staff to get you to join in or anyone to show you how to play, it was just some random people playing whatever game they felt like, most of them in single player.

LAN. This means something, but I'm not sure exactly what it is. However, when I am promised games played on LAN or over LAN or whatever the hell it is, I know it's multiplayer. And when I see a computer tower that looks like it's Viking material (awesome-looking and full of hidden power) I want to jump in and play.

Get some staff there, make the area open for gamers to come in, stick to one game for half an hour then move on to another, encourage competition, have real prizes, actually get a timetable for the events. I'm a Viking, organisation to me is sometimes wearing the appropriate clothes at different parts of the day. Yet even I could have made the gaming section a place for Vikings and non-Vikings alike enjoy.

While the gaming left a lot to be desired (and it really, really did) I still had a blast. I can't wait for Supernova next year where I'm sure my then 1000 followers will come to see me, the Viking Gamer, in all my glory.

I give Supernova 4.5 out of 5, because any event that gives me an excuse to dress as Zack Fair is worth its weight in peasants heads.

Til next time, from the gamer with horns in his hat.

Gaming Stores vs. The Viking Gamer

I don't wish my readers to be too alarmed by the title of this blog. Your favourite gaming stores will not actually have to vs me, and thus not be reduced to rubble from a single Dragon Punch. I think it would be irresponsible on my behalf if I did challenge gaming stores. Innocent gaming employees could get hurt! They may no longer give me my 'Viking Gamer Discount' also known as 'The Protection Discount' or the 'Please Don't Turn My Store And Myself Into Ash With A Single Dragon Punch Discount'.

The reason I am reviewing these stores is due to the GFC (Global Financial Cuntastrophe) which means I have to work (raid and pillage) three times as hard to get the same amount of money, and apparently no store in Australia accepts limbs or heads as a form of currency. When did this country start to think THAT highly of itself?

While non-gamers will see different gaming stores as practically the same things, full of games, weird looking people and colourful signs, the subtleties they can't see is what makes non-gamers an inferior species.

The stores I am about to list and describe are in no particular order. This is my chance to surprise my readers as to my favourite store, because the Viking Gamer is all about rewarding loyalty with gifts.


EB Games:

EB Games and I started out on good terms. They priced matched and didn't make the whole process too difficult, sometimes checking brochures or calling their competitors to see what the prices were, but used to be relatively relaxed about the whole thing.

During the time that I bought solely from EB Games it was because I didn't want to give the big stores (Big W, Kmart etc) my hard earned money, those bastards.

However...

Lately EB Games has seen me as the enemy. I'm the guy that comes in and asks to price match, because I wish my money to go some place good and wholesome where I can ACTUALLY EXPECT to be served and get handy information from the employees. Now though, I am the enemy. When I ask to price match now, I feel as though I've just been caught asking a secret police agency the way to kill the dictator.

After asking for this simple request, the store stops, the random employee behind the counter grabs the front of your shirt and pulls you onto the counter, pushing a bright desk lamp into your eyes and demanding where you saw 'this so called "cheaper" game' and if it was on sale and if they still have it in stock.

For your average gamer this might be terrifying. For your average Viking Gamer however (who is not average and is more awesome) this experience is tiring. I have three things these employees don't have:

1.Explosive Viking rage, the Dragon Punch and the Gentle Beauty.

2.Huge balls (especially in the case of the employee being female), metaphorically and literally.

3.The money.

I am the money, the paying customer. Don't interrogate me about the price, if I'm being reasonable and you know the price is cheaper somewhere else, then give me the god damn discount. In fact, if you want me to trust you and keep coming back, SUGGEST the discount!

Vikings are businessmen by nature. We don't raid and pillage randomly (unless we want to). We discuss where we will pillage and raid, the supplies needed to get there, weapons and armour repairs etc etc, and in the end the loot from the raid should cover expenses and provide profit (or be really really entertaining).

So when I say suggest the discount, don't think, 'That's stupid Viking Gamer! They will be losing money that way!' because I will kidnap you, release you into the wild and hunt you. Having surgically removed your hands and replaced them with flippers during the kidnapping process, I don't envy your chances.

If I've just paid $100 for a game that's $80 a minutes walk away, I'm going to be annoyed. I will then either go back and get a refund and take my money elsewhere because I felt I've been duped, or demand they give me that price instead. Then we have to waste time and money refunding and replacing and no-one feels good after that.

So what's better? Saying 'just mention it's $80 a minutes walk away and I'll give it to you for that price' and then winking and grinning and winning me over, or not saying it and risking being Dragon Punched?

This is why I no longer shop at EB. They just don't get it.


Game:

When I walk into this store, I am always, ALWAYS spoken to. Whether it's just a hello, g'day mate or hey man.

God dammit yes. These people get it. Just say hello. You don't have to ask if they want anything, you just have to acknowledge their existence. Now if I want something I know I can approach them immediately.

They get customer service. Yes they're there to answer questions, but they also have a personality and make references to the fact they have a life outside their workplace and have opinions on things.

Price matching? Fuck yes! I went in there after purchasing Monster Hunter Tri and the controller for 80 bucks. When I found out that JB did it WITH the controller game AND microphone for 80 I went back, they refunded me and matched the deal. Seamlessly and effectively, like a swing of my axe.

This is why I try to make this my primary stop when shopping for games. I tip my horned hat to you GAME, thanks for everything.


JB Hifi:

All the employees here look like they were fished out of the indie salvation army bin. Too awkward to work anywhere else, they visually assault me with their presence. I'm all for a relaxed workplace, but not so relaxed the indie bleeds onto the ground. Is it too old fashioned to expect to be served by someone without metal in and around their face? And if they're so keen on having metal in their faces, why do they scream when I try to cut their skulls open with my axe? It's just double standards.

The prices here are cheap as all hell, but this is simply because they sell so much...stuff. And it is just stuff. There is no love for the product, and while I don't expect it and know it's unreasonable to want them to love what they do, the love is there at other places so why would I bother here?

I do have a slight prejudice against one particular employee. I don't remember his name, but I do remember him being an indie freak and a douche.

Not only did he go into a restaurant and then proceed to yell at a waiter that he received the wrong pizza, even though he GOT the pizza he ordered and as it turned out he ordered the wrong pizza, a pizza which he had been ordering for years (apparently) through takeaway. After being proved wrong he still acted indignantly, paid for his drinks and left. If the Viking Gamer had been there, the story would have ended with '...and then his arm broke, and his tiny cowardly heart couldn't take anymore and stopped beating, and the surrounding people cheered and kicked the legless corpse around the restaurant'.

This same employee was 'helping' my friend buy a TV, and when asked 'does it come new in the box' as in 'will I be getting the floor stock'. He was answered with something useless before telling his other staff that the guy he just served was an 'idiot' and asked if the TV came in a box.

I don't like to swear. I'd rather just dismember and burn, but I'll swear now.

FUCK YOU WEIRD JB HIFI EMPLOYEE I HOPE YOU GET BURNED ALIVE.

Every time I think of that guy I wish my yearly bath was a day closer.


Big W, Kmart, Target and all the other soulless chains:

These guys sell games at SUPER low prices. This is because they sell so much shit they can afford to.

These prices are so low I am fairly certain they either make no profit or a loss on them. This is because they simply want your market share and the chance you'll buy something else while you're there.

This is why EB Games needs to be less inquisitorial when it comes to price matching. The money is ALWAYS better in your register, don't let it go to those bastards.

Service in these places is next to non-existent. Despite the fact these places are supposed to be 'good' for the country and the economy due to the employment they supply, the horns on my hat will face DOWNWARDS before I can find service in less than 15 minutes.

I am then faced with an employee who is generally about 300 years old and thinks games are measured in jiggawatts.

I have to avoid these places just in case I subconsciously Dragon Punch them into oblivion.


Gamesmen:

When I walk into this store, I feel like I am a child Viking again, only 6ft tall weighing 80 kilos of muscle, Viking hat slipping over my eyes.

It's wonderful. It's got games and comics and anime and figurines and EVERYTHING! There are stalls where you get to play latest releases and and and and they do them up with decorations and everything! For Red Dead Redemption they had a bale of hay with a pitchfork in it!

They price match, the employees KNOW their shit, and when they check and order stock at the counter they turn the screen to face you so you know exactly what's happening.

If I could, I would make this my home.

Odin bless you Gamesmen.


So there you have it, the places you should spend your money and the places you should steal from and insult the employees thereof.

Happy shopping til next time, from the gamer with horns in his hat.

Splinter Cell: Conviction

I have never been more certain than I am now that Sam Fisher, demented serial killer secret agent, is based on me, the Viking Gamer.

The similarities are remarkable. He kills hundreds of people with excellent style and skill, without remorse and with an amazing array of weaponry. He's handsome, has a voice that causes women to blush and men to make sure they weren't really born a woman by asking their parents the tough questions.

I once heard a review by some 'person' (I use the term loosely, because the Viking class system doesn't allow us to group idiots in with the rest of us) from IGN (supposedly) on youtube on his favourite game characters. This interview consisted of him ranting about how he judges the characters on whether or not he would have a beer with them.

I've said it once and I'll say it again, and again, and again, until the government listens to me. I NEED POWERS OF ARBITRARY CASTRATION. Hell, if we based this policy on how we voted for anyone, then eventually we'll have some alcoholic bogan whose speciality is historical NRL trivia as our PM, and the best selling game ever will be controlling Barry, drunken late 20 something male who gets his head stuck in homes 'For Sale' signs.

Having said that, there is something intrinsically beer worthy about Sam Fisher. I think if Sam and I sat down, him to have a beer and me to drink 99% alcoholic blood from a poisonous serpent that I found and killed myself, the conversation would go like this:

Viking Gamer: Cheers, Sam!

Sam (In a voice like gravel falling down the side of an erupting volcano): Cheers.

Viking Gamer (In an improved voice, not that I am trying to avoid being outdone, but just because I was drinking when I said cheers, and I think it's unfair to judge me by that alone): So Sam, have you ever thought about becoming a Viking? The only thing you're really missing is a longer beard and a horned hat.

Sam: You're a Viking? I honestly assumed you were some kind of queer.

Viking Gamer: How politically incorrect of you...uh, so you're daughters pretty hot aye?

Sam: My daughters dead you Motherfu-

Viking Gamer: I'm just saying. Jesus, I compliment the looks of people's dead daughters all the time. Most the people I meet are dead! Or die shortly after. Which is mostly my fault. Or all my fault. As if you don't know exactly what I'm talking about.

Sam (Finishing a full stein of beer in one chug, putting the glass down, squeezing it in his ham sized hand, glass shattering everywhere, EVEN IN MY BEARD): I killed for my country, for my organisation, but now I kill for myself. I am conviction.

Viking Gamer: No, you're full of conviction. You do not personify conviction. I'm glad you're good at killing people because your English is in need of some buffing.

Sam: This interview is over.

Viking Gamer: I only brought you here because I thought you were beer-worthy, but it turns out you're a jerk. Be seeing you Sam.

Sam (Ominously): No, you won't...


I am glad this was only a hypothetical conversation, as I don't think they make fly screens out of titanium, which I'm certain would be the only thing able to keep Sam Fisher out of my Viking house.


When I played the first Splinter Cell, I was sure something was missing. the game played rather smoothly, camera angles were good, aiming was a little tricky, but accuracy was paramount so I took it as part of the game, storyline and voice acting was good, but STILL, it was missing a little something.

And now I know. Splinter Cell played on our current 'next gen' gaming systems fixes all the problems I had with the first one.

The game now runs incredibly smoothly. With the added free-running and climbing ability Sam has I have more options of ghosting around areas than I ever had before. His new abilities make me really believe that I am controlling a super killing spy, whereas before my skills at being a killer ghost were laughable due to my poor aim and my inability to avoid running into hiding places instead of behind them.

There are a few things I have to point out in this game I really love. The first is the lighting the game uses. As far as I can recall, there used to be some kind of indicator for knowing how visible you were to your enemies. Useful, but purely pragmatic. Now, when hidden, the game goes to black and white, making our hidden killings feel that much more grim, that much more hidden. Still fairly pragmatic, but with the added benefit of meaningful aesthetics. To me this is fairly realisitic, as most Vikings go completely colour-blind during battle as to be able to distinguish moving objects more effectively.

The next is Sams new abilities. As afore mentioned, his free-running and climbing makes all the difference. Because he is not a Viking able to cut/punch/run into buildings foundation supports to bring it down, he must scale walls to reach his targets, and now he can. This more freedom he has with his movement gives players the ability to actually move in a ghost like fashion, never being in the same place twice and always being where the enemy isn't looking.

His new execute ability allows Sam to kill multiple enemies with a single push of a button. While this may initially sound like Ubisoft has tried to simulate the Dragon Punch in the game, it isn't so unfair and unbalanced as you may think. To gain the ability to execute you must first take out an enemy in CQ (close quarters [for Vikings, all combat is CQ, except for when you throw your axe which is SOLCQ {Sort of long close quarters}]). After taking out the enemy in CQ, you are able to 'mark' multiple targets. The gun you have chosen depends on how many targets you can choose, and then there is the added problem of getting a clear shot on all of them.

I think Splinter Cell needed this ability from the start. It's easy to say he's a super killing agent, but when shooting one enemy dead only to have another one or two know that you're around somewhere made killing enemies a massive disadvantage. Killing enemies is ALWAYS an advantage. That's the first thing I learnt in Viking kindergarten, and it's taken Ubisoft that long to figure it out. Why isn't there more Viking curriculum taught in schools? It's tragic.

The last point to make about this game is the reason I am loving it so much. Aesthetically, it's beautiful, and the game tells its story so well through direct and inadvertent methods.

When Sam is having certain conversations or being recapped on past events, grainy, black and white images will play on a surface near him, giving us an insight into his thoughts and into what is a troubled mind. When your missions starts, your objective is displayed in large bold writing on a surface. Though the realism is turned down, the gameplay and feeling of interactivity and, well, fun, is increased that much more.

Inadvertently, you may stumble across a conversation that you can miss had you gone a different way when first entering an area. When looking through different cameras to scope out a facility you stumble across a major plot point which you could have missed had you not gone through all the cameras in the facility.

Lastly, and probably the most subtle, when Sams daughter is mentioned in-game, the music becomes slightly crazed, and you really get the feeling Sam is one foot over the cliff of insanity. Absolutely beautiful.

I'm not surprised this is an incredibly popular franchise. This game is really great, and the series has been successful because of its many strengths.

This game is pretty much the exact opposite of Twilight, whose success I AM surprised at. It's so bad. It doesn't make any sense. But that will be a Relevant Argument that is Non-Technical for later.

I give Same Fisher and his latest spy killer 4 beers out of the 5 I would have had with him had he not been such a hypothetical jerk.