Splinter Cell: Conviction

I have never been more certain than I am now that Sam Fisher, demented serial killer secret agent, is based on me, the Viking Gamer.

The similarities are remarkable. He kills hundreds of people with excellent style and skill, without remorse and with an amazing array of weaponry. He's handsome, has a voice that causes women to blush and men to make sure they weren't really born a woman by asking their parents the tough questions.

I once heard a review by some 'person' (I use the term loosely, because the Viking class system doesn't allow us to group idiots in with the rest of us) from IGN (supposedly) on youtube on his favourite game characters. This interview consisted of him ranting about how he judges the characters on whether or not he would have a beer with them.

I've said it once and I'll say it again, and again, and again, until the government listens to me. I NEED POWERS OF ARBITRARY CASTRATION. Hell, if we based this policy on how we voted for anyone, then eventually we'll have some alcoholic bogan whose speciality is historical NRL trivia as our PM, and the best selling game ever will be controlling Barry, drunken late 20 something male who gets his head stuck in homes 'For Sale' signs.

Having said that, there is something intrinsically beer worthy about Sam Fisher. I think if Sam and I sat down, him to have a beer and me to drink 99% alcoholic blood from a poisonous serpent that I found and killed myself, the conversation would go like this:

Viking Gamer: Cheers, Sam!

Sam (In a voice like gravel falling down the side of an erupting volcano): Cheers.

Viking Gamer (In an improved voice, not that I am trying to avoid being outdone, but just because I was drinking when I said cheers, and I think it's unfair to judge me by that alone): So Sam, have you ever thought about becoming a Viking? The only thing you're really missing is a longer beard and a horned hat.

Sam: You're a Viking? I honestly assumed you were some kind of queer.

Viking Gamer: How politically incorrect of you...uh, so you're daughters pretty hot aye?

Sam: My daughters dead you Motherfu-

Viking Gamer: I'm just saying. Jesus, I compliment the looks of people's dead daughters all the time. Most the people I meet are dead! Or die shortly after. Which is mostly my fault. Or all my fault. As if you don't know exactly what I'm talking about.

Sam (Finishing a full stein of beer in one chug, putting the glass down, squeezing it in his ham sized hand, glass shattering everywhere, EVEN IN MY BEARD): I killed for my country, for my organisation, but now I kill for myself. I am conviction.

Viking Gamer: No, you're full of conviction. You do not personify conviction. I'm glad you're good at killing people because your English is in need of some buffing.

Sam: This interview is over.

Viking Gamer: I only brought you here because I thought you were beer-worthy, but it turns out you're a jerk. Be seeing you Sam.

Sam (Ominously): No, you won't...


I am glad this was only a hypothetical conversation, as I don't think they make fly screens out of titanium, which I'm certain would be the only thing able to keep Sam Fisher out of my Viking house.


When I played the first Splinter Cell, I was sure something was missing. the game played rather smoothly, camera angles were good, aiming was a little tricky, but accuracy was paramount so I took it as part of the game, storyline and voice acting was good, but STILL, it was missing a little something.

And now I know. Splinter Cell played on our current 'next gen' gaming systems fixes all the problems I had with the first one.

The game now runs incredibly smoothly. With the added free-running and climbing ability Sam has I have more options of ghosting around areas than I ever had before. His new abilities make me really believe that I am controlling a super killing spy, whereas before my skills at being a killer ghost were laughable due to my poor aim and my inability to avoid running into hiding places instead of behind them.

There are a few things I have to point out in this game I really love. The first is the lighting the game uses. As far as I can recall, there used to be some kind of indicator for knowing how visible you were to your enemies. Useful, but purely pragmatic. Now, when hidden, the game goes to black and white, making our hidden killings feel that much more grim, that much more hidden. Still fairly pragmatic, but with the added benefit of meaningful aesthetics. To me this is fairly realisitic, as most Vikings go completely colour-blind during battle as to be able to distinguish moving objects more effectively.

The next is Sams new abilities. As afore mentioned, his free-running and climbing makes all the difference. Because he is not a Viking able to cut/punch/run into buildings foundation supports to bring it down, he must scale walls to reach his targets, and now he can. This more freedom he has with his movement gives players the ability to actually move in a ghost like fashion, never being in the same place twice and always being where the enemy isn't looking.

His new execute ability allows Sam to kill multiple enemies with a single push of a button. While this may initially sound like Ubisoft has tried to simulate the Dragon Punch in the game, it isn't so unfair and unbalanced as you may think. To gain the ability to execute you must first take out an enemy in CQ (close quarters [for Vikings, all combat is CQ, except for when you throw your axe which is SOLCQ {Sort of long close quarters}]). After taking out the enemy in CQ, you are able to 'mark' multiple targets. The gun you have chosen depends on how many targets you can choose, and then there is the added problem of getting a clear shot on all of them.

I think Splinter Cell needed this ability from the start. It's easy to say he's a super killing agent, but when shooting one enemy dead only to have another one or two know that you're around somewhere made killing enemies a massive disadvantage. Killing enemies is ALWAYS an advantage. That's the first thing I learnt in Viking kindergarten, and it's taken Ubisoft that long to figure it out. Why isn't there more Viking curriculum taught in schools? It's tragic.

The last point to make about this game is the reason I am loving it so much. Aesthetically, it's beautiful, and the game tells its story so well through direct and inadvertent methods.

When Sam is having certain conversations or being recapped on past events, grainy, black and white images will play on a surface near him, giving us an insight into his thoughts and into what is a troubled mind. When your missions starts, your objective is displayed in large bold writing on a surface. Though the realism is turned down, the gameplay and feeling of interactivity and, well, fun, is increased that much more.

Inadvertently, you may stumble across a conversation that you can miss had you gone a different way when first entering an area. When looking through different cameras to scope out a facility you stumble across a major plot point which you could have missed had you not gone through all the cameras in the facility.

Lastly, and probably the most subtle, when Sams daughter is mentioned in-game, the music becomes slightly crazed, and you really get the feeling Sam is one foot over the cliff of insanity. Absolutely beautiful.

I'm not surprised this is an incredibly popular franchise. This game is really great, and the series has been successful because of its many strengths.

This game is pretty much the exact opposite of Twilight, whose success I AM surprised at. It's so bad. It doesn't make any sense. But that will be a Relevant Argument that is Non-Technical for later.

I give Same Fisher and his latest spy killer 4 beers out of the 5 I would have had with him had he not been such a hypothetical jerk.