Gaming Stores vs. The Viking Gamer

I don't wish my readers to be too alarmed by the title of this blog. Your favourite gaming stores will not actually have to vs me, and thus not be reduced to rubble from a single Dragon Punch. I think it would be irresponsible on my behalf if I did challenge gaming stores. Innocent gaming employees could get hurt! They may no longer give me my 'Viking Gamer Discount' also known as 'The Protection Discount' or the 'Please Don't Turn My Store And Myself Into Ash With A Single Dragon Punch Discount'.

The reason I am reviewing these stores is due to the GFC (Global Financial Cuntastrophe) which means I have to work (raid and pillage) three times as hard to get the same amount of money, and apparently no store in Australia accepts limbs or heads as a form of currency. When did this country start to think THAT highly of itself?

While non-gamers will see different gaming stores as practically the same things, full of games, weird looking people and colourful signs, the subtleties they can't see is what makes non-gamers an inferior species.

The stores I am about to list and describe are in no particular order. This is my chance to surprise my readers as to my favourite store, because the Viking Gamer is all about rewarding loyalty with gifts.


EB Games:

EB Games and I started out on good terms. They priced matched and didn't make the whole process too difficult, sometimes checking brochures or calling their competitors to see what the prices were, but used to be relatively relaxed about the whole thing.

During the time that I bought solely from EB Games it was because I didn't want to give the big stores (Big W, Kmart etc) my hard earned money, those bastards.

However...

Lately EB Games has seen me as the enemy. I'm the guy that comes in and asks to price match, because I wish my money to go some place good and wholesome where I can ACTUALLY EXPECT to be served and get handy information from the employees. Now though, I am the enemy. When I ask to price match now, I feel as though I've just been caught asking a secret police agency the way to kill the dictator.

After asking for this simple request, the store stops, the random employee behind the counter grabs the front of your shirt and pulls you onto the counter, pushing a bright desk lamp into your eyes and demanding where you saw 'this so called "cheaper" game' and if it was on sale and if they still have it in stock.

For your average gamer this might be terrifying. For your average Viking Gamer however (who is not average and is more awesome) this experience is tiring. I have three things these employees don't have:

1.Explosive Viking rage, the Dragon Punch and the Gentle Beauty.

2.Huge balls (especially in the case of the employee being female), metaphorically and literally.

3.The money.

I am the money, the paying customer. Don't interrogate me about the price, if I'm being reasonable and you know the price is cheaper somewhere else, then give me the god damn discount. In fact, if you want me to trust you and keep coming back, SUGGEST the discount!

Vikings are businessmen by nature. We don't raid and pillage randomly (unless we want to). We discuss where we will pillage and raid, the supplies needed to get there, weapons and armour repairs etc etc, and in the end the loot from the raid should cover expenses and provide profit (or be really really entertaining).

So when I say suggest the discount, don't think, 'That's stupid Viking Gamer! They will be losing money that way!' because I will kidnap you, release you into the wild and hunt you. Having surgically removed your hands and replaced them with flippers during the kidnapping process, I don't envy your chances.

If I've just paid $100 for a game that's $80 a minutes walk away, I'm going to be annoyed. I will then either go back and get a refund and take my money elsewhere because I felt I've been duped, or demand they give me that price instead. Then we have to waste time and money refunding and replacing and no-one feels good after that.

So what's better? Saying 'just mention it's $80 a minutes walk away and I'll give it to you for that price' and then winking and grinning and winning me over, or not saying it and risking being Dragon Punched?

This is why I no longer shop at EB. They just don't get it.


Game:

When I walk into this store, I am always, ALWAYS spoken to. Whether it's just a hello, g'day mate or hey man.

God dammit yes. These people get it. Just say hello. You don't have to ask if they want anything, you just have to acknowledge their existence. Now if I want something I know I can approach them immediately.

They get customer service. Yes they're there to answer questions, but they also have a personality and make references to the fact they have a life outside their workplace and have opinions on things.

Price matching? Fuck yes! I went in there after purchasing Monster Hunter Tri and the controller for 80 bucks. When I found out that JB did it WITH the controller game AND microphone for 80 I went back, they refunded me and matched the deal. Seamlessly and effectively, like a swing of my axe.

This is why I try to make this my primary stop when shopping for games. I tip my horned hat to you GAME, thanks for everything.


JB Hifi:

All the employees here look like they were fished out of the indie salvation army bin. Too awkward to work anywhere else, they visually assault me with their presence. I'm all for a relaxed workplace, but not so relaxed the indie bleeds onto the ground. Is it too old fashioned to expect to be served by someone without metal in and around their face? And if they're so keen on having metal in their faces, why do they scream when I try to cut their skulls open with my axe? It's just double standards.

The prices here are cheap as all hell, but this is simply because they sell so much...stuff. And it is just stuff. There is no love for the product, and while I don't expect it and know it's unreasonable to want them to love what they do, the love is there at other places so why would I bother here?

I do have a slight prejudice against one particular employee. I don't remember his name, but I do remember him being an indie freak and a douche.

Not only did he go into a restaurant and then proceed to yell at a waiter that he received the wrong pizza, even though he GOT the pizza he ordered and as it turned out he ordered the wrong pizza, a pizza which he had been ordering for years (apparently) through takeaway. After being proved wrong he still acted indignantly, paid for his drinks and left. If the Viking Gamer had been there, the story would have ended with '...and then his arm broke, and his tiny cowardly heart couldn't take anymore and stopped beating, and the surrounding people cheered and kicked the legless corpse around the restaurant'.

This same employee was 'helping' my friend buy a TV, and when asked 'does it come new in the box' as in 'will I be getting the floor stock'. He was answered with something useless before telling his other staff that the guy he just served was an 'idiot' and asked if the TV came in a box.

I don't like to swear. I'd rather just dismember and burn, but I'll swear now.

FUCK YOU WEIRD JB HIFI EMPLOYEE I HOPE YOU GET BURNED ALIVE.

Every time I think of that guy I wish my yearly bath was a day closer.


Big W, Kmart, Target and all the other soulless chains:

These guys sell games at SUPER low prices. This is because they sell so much shit they can afford to.

These prices are so low I am fairly certain they either make no profit or a loss on them. This is because they simply want your market share and the chance you'll buy something else while you're there.

This is why EB Games needs to be less inquisitorial when it comes to price matching. The money is ALWAYS better in your register, don't let it go to those bastards.

Service in these places is next to non-existent. Despite the fact these places are supposed to be 'good' for the country and the economy due to the employment they supply, the horns on my hat will face DOWNWARDS before I can find service in less than 15 minutes.

I am then faced with an employee who is generally about 300 years old and thinks games are measured in jiggawatts.

I have to avoid these places just in case I subconsciously Dragon Punch them into oblivion.


Gamesmen:

When I walk into this store, I feel like I am a child Viking again, only 6ft tall weighing 80 kilos of muscle, Viking hat slipping over my eyes.

It's wonderful. It's got games and comics and anime and figurines and EVERYTHING! There are stalls where you get to play latest releases and and and and they do them up with decorations and everything! For Red Dead Redemption they had a bale of hay with a pitchfork in it!

They price match, the employees KNOW their shit, and when they check and order stock at the counter they turn the screen to face you so you know exactly what's happening.

If I could, I would make this my home.

Odin bless you Gamesmen.


So there you have it, the places you should spend your money and the places you should steal from and insult the employees thereof.

Happy shopping til next time, from the gamer with horns in his hat.