Console Wars: A Viking Knows Best

The thing I hate most about gaming is the 'Console wars'. I can deal with morons online, shitty games, glitches, updates, downloading times...

BUT

The console wars has now started to actually have an affect on my gaming life. It's not even a real WAR for Odin's sake, no bloodshed, no crying peasants and no axes.

How did it begin? Well the true beginning of the console wars was not between Nintendo and Sony and Sega. That's more of a debate between idealists.

The real war is now. The Ps3 and the Xbox 360 are the main competitors, both strong and virile, not good enough to be Viking material, but alright just the same.

Why only these two? Well the Wii, for all its 'amazing technology', is a joke console. It's for families, children who smell and don't know any better and for the elderly who smell because they want to. It costs three hundred dollars and has about 3 games worth buying if you're a gamer and about 1000 crappy games for the parents trying to fit in, unhygenic children or someones grandpa who craps his pants for a laugh.

The handhelds? Despite being a people constantly on the move and the amazing technology in these gadgets the general opinion of these machines is 'meh'. And, once again, Nintendo has appealed to the families and reeking children (and not so much the soiled geriatric grandparents) with the Nintendo DS, which has 0 games worth buying.

So back to the contenders and why it really is a war now and why it wasn't a war before (Italics=smart Viking).

Before, in the gaming days of old, you had a choice to make between the Nintendo 64 or the Playstation...or even the Dreamcast. The different systems had a wide and varied amount of games that suited a particular niche. The Playstation (ps one as it was later dubbed) was my first console. I remember the man trying to steer me towards the 64 as he said it had more 'kiddy friendly games' and the playstation was for more serious gamers. I also remember he was the 133rd person whose legs I had cut off for patronising me.

The arrival of the Xbox and the Ps2 completely overshadowed the game-cube (pffffft-I even used lower case to name it), and, once again, there were different games to think about when considering purchasing one or the other.

Then came 3rd gen, or the beginning of the real 'Console wars'. It was no longer Ps3 vs Xbox 360, it was Microsoft vs Sony. Business wise, it's too costly to try for originality and fail when the stakes are this high and this close.

So now games are very rarely exclusive. I bought (stole) an Xbox 360 from a vendor (peasant) after paying (slaying) them. Unfortunately it hasn't done much in the way of providing me anything new. Do you know how many games (worth buying) you can get on the Xbox 360 you can't get on the Ps3?

The answer is:

4.

Mass Effect (1&2, I included them in on choice)
Fable (all Fables)
Halo
Splinter Cell Conviction

While the Ps3's claims to fame have been:

Unchartered (1&2)
Folklore
Demon's Souls
And something else I can't quite remember or find in my hut.
(Update) Oh yeah it was Heavy Rain

So roughly 8 games separate the two systems. Choice my perfect Viking arse.

HOWEVER

These games I've mentioned are really, really good. So that is a point in favour for the console wars.

BUT MINUS A GAJILLION (Viking number for 'lots') POINTS FOR MAKING ME RESEARCH WHAT SYSTEM TO GET A GAME FOR.

Sometimes I dream about smashing my Ps3 and my 360 with my axe, and all the pieces come together to make a super-machine called the PSexbox, the nirvana of consoles. This dream has only been slightly achieved by Ianardo when he humped my new xbox. I congratulated his efforts and then got him to clean up.

I dont really want to talk specs because I dont understand them. I graduated from Viking University (VU) in literature, grammatology and General Viking Awesomeness. If I said I was an ITV (Information Technology Viking) I would be truly slaying your grandmother.

I can tell you about first-hand experience though.

Between the Ps3 and the 360, I think they both have great graphics. If I ABSOLUTELY HAD to choose which one was better I'd say the Ps3. Even then I wouldn't say it was superior, just slightly better.

The general layout for the Ps3 is much, much better. Simple, stylish, easy. Like a call-girl. The 360 is incredibly patronising. I don't want to choose an avatar (which is a complete rip-off of the Mii on the Wii). Mine looks like someone I'd kill just for looking how they do. I also don't want to have to scroll through 8 different selection bars that are the same colour as acidic vomit.

The DVD set up (including the fact it plays Blu-ray DVD) for the Ps3 is far, far superior to the 360, as the controller ACTUALLY WORKS LIKE A REMOTE. I get a bit passionate about this because I like to relax to the series 'Vikings Abroad' where Vikings get to sail around and meet interesting people before setting their homes ablaze. So when I'm trying to watch it on my 360 and every button brings up the same useless 'control bar' I can't fully appreciate the beauty of cultural diversity and how everyone, regardless of race, age and smell comes together when a Viking ruins their shit.

The 360 definitely has a faster d/l rate, which is appealing to me as I am often busy raiding, and when my system has to update that cuts into my gaming time which makes me an angry Viking.

AND NOW THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:

The controllers.

I believe Microsoft, having modelled their original Xbox controller to be the size and shape of my left nut (about the size of a basketball and the weight of a diabetic chicken) decided to do some research. Any god damn they did well. The 360 controller is a beautiful weight. It was made to be held. On the downside it runs on batteries, but that doesn't bother me so much.

The Ps3 controller, however, has six-axis technology. While it is awesome, its disuse is almost criminal. For the game Folklore (buy it) it was pure brilliance. For Uncharted, it was so damn right. For Heavy Rain, revolutionary. But now its just unused, which makes me a sad Viking.

I do prefer the Ps3, but all the console war is really doing is splitting gamers apart, and the only splitting apart of a gamer should be done by a professional. Me.

I'm giving the console wars 2/5, because between those 8 games there was some fantastic gaming to be had.

Til next time, the gamer with horns on his hat.