My Thumb Hurts

As most of you will know, I have told you that I didn't really like God of War, yet, MIRACULOUSLY, a mention of the game makes it into my blog just regularly enough for you to think I actually want to have some hot Viking on Spartan action.

In fact I was beginning to question myself. Why would I even mention a game that I wouldn't tip my horned hat to? Why wouldn't I tip my hat to it? To it why would I not hat tip to?

And it struck me as violently as my grandmother did when she found out I had been sneaking copious amounts of Red Bull and Prozac to my Bi-Polar beserker cousin to see if he would invent a new emotion in his increasingly bizarre and agitated state.

"My thumb hurts".

As far as ideologies go, it's like this: moronic women have 'He's not that into you'. Moronic men have 'I'm never drinking again'. Gamers have: 'My thumb hurts'.

Why does it matter that my thumb hurts?

If any of you have ever performed 1v1 combat or 1v10000000 combat like I have, you'll know that just before and during the battle, there is no concept of pain. There is no concept of tired, uncomfortable or fear. There is only the now. It is where we reach enlightenment and touch the true essence of life itself. It's not a place where your thumb hurts.

After the battle or killing spree or what have you, THAT'S when every injury, every broken bone and every burst blood vessel starts taking its toll. If it hurts during, that's when you find yourself another hobby, sport, culture or game.

Playing Ninety-Nine Nights 2 (or 188 Nights, I'm not exactly sure), I realised during the first mission in-game that there was an unfamiliar sensation in my thumb. I couldn't quite figure out what it was, but it became more and more pronounced as the level went on. As I had been in the same level for over an hour, and was bored to tears and wanted nothing more than to say 'FUCK THIS' and charge horn-first into the TV, I came to know what the sensation in my thumb was:

PAIN.

I rarely ever feel pain. But there it was, in my thumb, from the constant pressing of the same buttons over and over and over and over again.

I flashbacked to my time playing God of War; the same pain, the same sense of just wanting to see what happened at the end and not go through the monotony of killing enemies that couldn't kill you back unless you put down the controller and left it there for a day.

And so it came to pass that I realised my dilemma with God of War and produced a wise saying that gamers will surely use from here on and ever after: 'My thumb hurts'.

Ninety Nine nights represents a problem in current gaming. For a hack and slash, whether it be Devil May Cry, God of War, Ninety Nine Nights, Darksiders etc, there has to be something in between the hacking and slashing that makes the game worthwhile.

The reason God of War and Darksiders didnt do it for me was because the things in between the hacking and slashing consisted of running too slowly over a vast area to get to a place to hack and slash. Not very interesting. Darksiders tried to make up for this in puzzles, whereas God of War decided to cause a little bit of me to die inside every time I had to turn a lever or move some weights.

In a demo I played of Castlevania I hacked and slashed, then proceeded to mount a horse who furthered plot progression, had to try and keep balance whilst hacking slashing other enemies whilst riding and then after dismounting was forced to solve a puzz.e

From this it's easy to point out a simple rule of thumb (HAHAHAHAHAHAH!) Running in between hacking and slashing does not equal gameplay.

Another problem I'm having with today's hack and slash is that enemies don't seem to have the ability to kill you or even hinder you anymore. In 99 Nights I killed about 200 enemies (all the same dark grey colour with about as much inspiration as a crayon left to melt in the sun) before taking a single hit which took off roughly 1/1000000000 of my life.

What should the norm be? Look at Devil May Cry, for instance. Ever level has a multitude of different 'first tier' enemies that will, if left without a bullet in their skulls, punish you severely. These enemies make it so that you either act quickly so they never had a chance to attack or, failing that, make dodging a necessity in staying alive.

I loved Devil May Cry. Dante is my kind of hero. Bad-arse, sarcastic, doesn't take himself too seriously, and can be impaled and sliced open and pretty much annihilated and still come back for more. The added bonus of the Devil Trigger meant that, for a little while, you were pure bad-arse and got to handle out some death, or it could also be saved until you were in a bit of trouble with too many enemies. As I recall God of War did something like this and he glowed with armour...or something. It was too boring to remember.

The lid on the whole 'My thumb hurst' insight came when I read a comment saying that a particular gamer couldn't get into games like Devil May Cry because it was so hard. Was it really? I dont recall it being hard, but I do recall it being a hell of a lot harder than pressing square, square, square, square, triangle over and over again until the multitude of completely incapable skeletons or ghouls or whatever other unimaginative enemies had been slain.

Is it the fact you HAVE to dodge? Choose different weapons for different enemies? Figure out how to do combos with timing rather than have it done for you? BASIC GAMING?

So the next time your mindlessly mashing buttons, remember there is always a rule of thumb (HAHAHAHAHA THERE IT IS AGAIN!): If your thumb hurts it's no good.

I'm giving 99 Nights 1 hurt thumb out of two. If you were wondering, it's a bad score.

Til next time, the gamer with horns on his hat.