Psp Problems.

First things first: James Bond is the worst secret agent of all time.

Why? He tells his name to everyone. I'm surprised there hasn't been a scene yet where a guy asks him to pass him a coaster and all hell breaks loose.

'Sorry mate, could you pass me that coaster?'

'Bond.'

'...What?'

'James Bond. My name is James Bond.'

*In the background, shifty looking Russian/Arab/Not White characters start pointing at him and drawing out guns, motioning and laughing how they are going to shoot the shit out of him.

'Yeeeeaaaah, sorry I just wanted you to pass me a coaster'

'Oh...did you know my name was Bond by the way? James Bond?'

'Sure thing James, about that coaster...'

'Most people call me Bond. Or Mister Bond. But when they call me Mister Bond they're either leering or have accents because they are Not White and it sounds like Meester Bond. I'm a secret agent you know. For the British government. And my name is JAMES BOND!'

'Jesus Christ man do you want everyone to hear!? Just pass me a fucking coaster will you?'

*Both Not White characters come forward and step to either side of Bond

'Excuse me, are you Meester Bond?'

*Drinking a martini like a big girl and an impotent flair of cliche charm

'Yes. I am'

*Massive gunfight later, everyone dead, especially Bond who was shot at by the Not Whites and other members of the British secret agent society who were ACTUALLY not blowing their cover like that showy retard.

'Dont fucking bother I'll get the coaster myself'

*Reaches over bloody, bullet ridden, chunks missing corpse and grabs coaster.

What a moron.


Now onto my problem with the PSP. I noticed in my console reviewing article that I did't mention the PSP, or I did and it wasn't very interesting.

Realising on my latest raid into France (I ran out croissants, and a good Viking breakfast needs a baked roll of pastry and lard to get him through the day) there wasn't much to do on a longship except row or laugh at the people who have to row (the French that we abducted on the previous raid), so I decided to revisit to my PSP.

Having owned every game worth having on it (Final Fantasy 1, Final Fantasy 2, Final Fantasy Dissidia, Final Fantasy Crisis Core) I came to the conclusion that the PsP is pretty much fucked.

Why? Well it's not the graphics, because they are actually pretty damn amazing for a handheld device. The controls work well, the battery lasts ages and it's memory capabilities are entirely dependant upon how much you're willing to fork out for a memory stick duo, in my case 4 gigs worth which seems to do the trick for me.

So the PSP, on the whole, is a pretty damn amazing machine. Except it has NO FUCKING GAMES. If you liked Monster Hunter (which I don't) then you're pretty much set for the next 20 years because it seems there's about 3 or 4 of them on the market and they seem to be released weekly.

Other than that you can play the games that you loved on the PS one but have since moved on (about 20 years moved on) and no longer wish to see again.

So what can a gamer who loves his PsP but has no idea what the hell he can do with it besides use it as a very small plate to eat croissants off after/during a raid on France, do?

Well, I can tell you what I did NOT do.

I, unequivocally, DID NOT get my PSP 'hacked' which allowed it to be used as a portable usb gaming device in which I would not have to pay for the chance to maybe play an hour of a shitty game.

I also DID NOT use this new found freedom to download Final Fantasy Tactics which is turning out to be as NOT addictive as sniffing the cardboard pine tree that gives off the scent 'new axe'.

HAD I done such a thing I may have felt guilty that my loyalty to Sony was about as strong as a fresh Frenchman after his first day behind the wheel of an oar while being given a Viking Burn (like an Indian burn but the Viking performing it will set his own hands on fire first).

But, HAD I done this, I would have researched where I could buy FF Tactics so that I could buy a copy, perhaps just to own or to pay what was due to a great game.

BUT LO AND BEHOLD (hypothetically), it was nowhere to be found unless I wanted to buy it on some obscure site online (what the fuck is Ebay anyway?).

Looking through the list of games I'm finding Little Big Planet *yawn*, basketball *YAAAAAAWN*, FPS's that they couldn't make first person and are barely shooters *SUPER CONTAGIOUS YAAAAAAWN* and some kid who has a green wristwatch called Ben and he's ten or something.

So they discontinue the games that may have sold some copies here and there over time, yet keep publishing these bland games over and over for some reason. WHOSE BUYING THEM!? YOU'RE ONLY ADDING TO THE PROBLEM!

You could always risk the money and buy some random JRPG or a spin-off of a popular title on the consoles, but why bother (unless you have money to burn {in which case I may very well earn you a Viking burn [I'm subtely threatening you for your money]}).

What I don't understand is why they don't use what the PsP actually is to its advantage. It goes online and its completely portable, so why not have a Diablo like game that people will want to congregate over (yes, I'm already aware of this capability used in Monster Hunter, but I mean a game that isn't slow, tedious, and requires me, A FUCKING VIKING, to delay in the pursuit of killing huge, angry monsters to PICK THINGS OUT OF SAID MONSTERS FECAL MATTER).

The machine is powerful enough to do this. So do it.

Why is it not working on its ability to have a potentially amazing social aspect? Why aren't its FPS ripoffs also FPS? WHY AM I NOT PAID TO COME UP WITH THESE GREAT IDEAS!?

The only I advice I can give is that if you own a PsP, YOU SHOULD DEFINATELY NOT GET IT 'HACKED'. It's unethical that you shouldn't pay for any game that's on the PsP and surprisingly some that havent actually been released on the PsP, as well as have it downloading and ready from the comfort of your own home.

I'm giving the PsP 4.5/5 for being an awesome gaming device, and a sweaty, Viking burned Frenchman for having fuck-all games.

Til next time, the gamer with horns on his hat.