Deathspank

Before I begin this review, it is absolutely imperative I let my dedicated readers know of an atrocity that has been committed against me, the Viking Gamer. Why anyone would have anything against someone as awesome, awe-inspiring and awfully handsome as me is something for Odin to look into, because only an omniscient being would be able to work out that derailed and delusional trail of thought.

It turns out a multi-national corporation has banned my site, someway, somehow, and now my good and true followers are unable to view my written word while they're at their work places. WELL MULTI-NATIONAL CORPORATION, DO YOU GET YOUR EMPLOYEES TO GIVE UP THEIR RELIGION!? DO YOU REFUSE THEM FOOD AND WATER!? DO YOU, AS A COMPANY, HAVE SEVERE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!?

In my humblest opinion, I am the shining light and the only reason to live for my readers. I can only imagine the pain it must cause the victims of this ban, staring at their blank screens, praying for a quick death, craving to know what the man with the horned hat is writing while they waste their lives not looking at my website.

'But Viking Gamer, surely you could Dragon Punch them all into oblivion!' I hear you cry out in your wheezy, not so sexy voices.

I could Dragon Punch them, yes, but then what? Should I just Dragon Punch every corporation that bans my site till there are none left? Turn civilization as we know it into a smouldering wreck because people were denied their intrinsic right to have the only meaningful life they could?

The answer is yes. However, with no corporations there is no industry, with no industry there are no games, and with no games there is no Viking Gamer, only Viking, and genericism is death.

I have already drafted two letters concerning the issue to be sent to this corporation (now referred to as Evil Corp), and they go something like this:


Dear Evil Corp,

Fuck you.


NOT sincerely, The Viking Gamer

P.S. Fuck you.


This first approach reaches the crux of the issue quickly, and while it doesn't suggest any way to solve said issue, just getting the message out there makes me feel better already. The second is a more reasoned argument:

Dear Evil Corp,

I would like to say Fuck You, but as that is unprofessional, I won't say Fuck You Evil Corp. Instead I will only ask why it is you have decided to ban my site from being viewed from your offices. Surely you realise the daily monotony of work is soul-crushing, and that I, the Viking Gamer, am the only sliver of light in your workers dismal and boring lives?

Could it be possible that the MASSES of followers I have (fourteen and counting) beats your following (of two sick children being coerced and a small goat from Kirghistan that has a speech impediment) and as such you feel as if your collective penis is smaller than mine? If that's what you think, you no longer have to worry, as my penis IS bigger than yours, collectively.

Sincerely (NOT) yours,
The Viking Gamer


The second does relate to a subliminal problem that has not been raised openly, and I feel would put the matter to rest. As soon as I send this, I have no doubt that within the week that Evil Corp will un-ban my site, grovel before me and beg to kiss my horned hat, which I will refuse because that is unhygienic.


Onto business. Deathspank is awesome.

I give it 4.5 out of five, til next time, the game with horns on his hat.


Depending on the reaction to this new system of review, I might keep it this way. Realistically, my word is undeniable (just look at the hat), and as such, if I say a game is 4.5 out of 5, it IS 4.5 out of 5.

I mean why bother telling you about Deathspanks humorous dialogue? The fun and quirky battle system? The amount of fun your casual gamer can get from it?

The first thing I must impress upon you, my dear reader, is that Deathspank is a game based on humour.

Deathspank is our mighty hero, armed with versatile and aptly named weaponry we embark on an adventure to obtain an artifact only known as...The Artifact!

To reach the artifact we must complete missions given to us by the downtrodenneded (Deathspanks word, not mine), get stronger and more powerfully awesome and equip ourselves with an increasingly absurdly named and looking armoury.

Due to a technology glitch, the pictures and video of the game play I wanted to have on the screen have not come to pass, but I promise, on my grandmothers frail limbs (stay away from her you villainous dragon slayers) that when I can get it up I will (hahahahaha what an impotent man says to his lover).

While your character is 3d, most of the environment isn't. It's quite like a diorama, the trees and rocks and houses are all 2d, but your enemies and the ground are all explorable goodness. It has the artistic style of a comic and the cheesy and left-field dialogue to match it.

To give an example of the dialogue, here is Deathspank on the mermaid army he defeated:

Deathspank: You know I once defeated an entire mermaid army!

Witch: I didn't know that mermaids had armies.

Deathspank: Well it was more like a militia. Perhaps they were just salmon, but damn they were sexy.

Yes, yes and fucking yes. Hilarious. Flowing. It doesn't get old and Deathspank is undeniably funny and Deathspank-ish to all those he encounters. Too many games get caught up in what a character should say, rather than figuring out what they would say. Darksiders (which was an awful, AWFUL game) is a really good example of this and also when people are paid too much and do a shitty job. Characters are characters, it doesn't matter if it's in a game or movie, and they need to actually show some individuality and process of thought with their communication.

The game play is really, really fun. Because you can equip four weapons at a time, each having a different effect and super hit, swinging aimlessly has never had more longevity. After discovering this, I have made the rationale that Deathspank must be derived from observations of Vikings. Where else would someone get the idea that a solitary man can wield four weapons simultaneously? I personally have four on me while I sleep, and six while I'm in the shower.

My favourite weapon I've used thus far has been the log-sword, the caption describing it reading:

'Is it a log with a sword in it or a sword with a log in it?'

The weapons 'super hits' add a really fun way to break up the constant button mashing, and using a weapon that is basically a shoe on a stick to stun a circle of enemies around you is not only amusing and effective for game play, the colours and the wide area of effect make this game loud and bright and most of all, FUN. It really appeals to the inner child who wants to see his actions on a game be BIG.

More awesometastically, we can also assign different tools and weapons to the d-pad. Mine currently has potions, ice-blocks and a chicken gun attached. Yes, you can shoot chickens, and god they are effective.

Deathspank succeeds in the characters appearance where many games have failed. All of the armour you can obtain looks awesome when equipped, and mix and matching doesn't make you look like my cousin the bi-polar beserker when he gets into his aunts (my mothers) closet. It has that WoW charm where everything is exaggerated and child-like, and is thus (embarrassingly) always appealing.

As for the game itself, it's separated into blocks of plot and story. Starting out in one square of the map, completing x number of missions will lead you to another block, and so the story progresses in about hour sequences. After playing Demon's Souls, this game is sort of like a vacation, as I don't have to worry about dying or finding new weapons etc, all I really have to worry about is having as much fun as possible and tacos. The reason I bring up tacos is now, somehow, I have to find a way to make an old mans (Deathspank: I was only telling the truth, you are old and a man, but mostly old) taco extra spicy.

To leave off, Deathspank is loud, funny, colourful and stress-free. Only available to buy online, it's an absolute must at only $20.

On that note, I must leave, because this taco thing is much too intriguing to ignore.

Til next time, the gamer with horns on his hat.