Demon's Souls

If Demon's Souls was a woman, she would be a hot woman. She would be a hot woman you couldn't get enough of. But as a hot woman isn't a game and games generally have more longevity, I am glad that Demon's Souls is a game and not a hot woman. It's not that I don't like hot women, I just think the game should remain a game, because of how great it is. I think the only thing that could actually make this game greater is if it TURNED INTO a hot woman when you weren't playing the game. But not all the time. Depends on her skill set really, I mean if she can sew and clean and cook yeah it'd be pretty handy to have the game turn into a hot woman, but nevertheless, Demon's Souls is a game, and a game that I am not too proud to say I would marry if it had the added benefit of turning into a hot woman with a domestic chores skill set.


The first rule of Demon's Souls is that it's hard. The second rule of Demon's Souls is that it is really, really hard. Harder than my Viking abdominals, harder than my Viking pecs, and harder than my Viking shaft (and by shaft, I am obviously referring to the shaft of my Viking weapon {and by Viking weapon, I am not referring to my penis but to the Gentle Beauty [which coincidentally shares its name with my penis]}).

Demon's Souls is an action RPG, yet like the Gentle Beauty (both of them), titles can be misleading.

Demon's Souls is unforgiving much in the same way Mario and Alex the Kidd and all our old favourites are unforgiving. If you die, you die, and you start from the beginning of the level. You lose all your coins, remove your fist from the wall, grit your teeth, kick the dog, and start again.

You are a hero, one of ten unique and individual classes, in the kingdom of Boletaria. An evil fog is rolling over the lands of your kingdom, bringing with it Demons who consume the souls of men. The consumption of souls gives the Demons power and turns those who have lost their souls into mindless creatures that turn against their fellow man. You must kill Demons, and harness the power of their souls to become more powerful. From the Nexus; the place where death and reality meets; and subsequently your home base; you must venture out to the different areas of the kingdom and defeat demon after demon to deliver the land from evil.

What I will say about our plot is that while it isn't terribly original, it's solid. Yet this game has complexities that are long reaching and potentially devastating in your playthrough.

The ability to kill any of the NPC's in this game (bar one), means that you have to be careful about where you're swinging your mace. This means the guy who repairs your weapons, the guy who sells you arrows, the guy who holds your extra loot, can all be killed. Upon death they all drop items, which is nice, but is still generally a bad idea. The deaths of these characters can have long reaching effects as well, as they may provide help, add sidequests or make powerful items become available in the future.

The NPC's all have their own stories and goals, most of which will impinge upon you choosing whether to help them, kill them or spare them, all of which goes towards making your character move towards White (good) or Black (evil) world tendencies. It's like the force, but for people who have friends that aren't fictional.

Now for the gameplay. Oh the gameplay. OMFGBBQ (Odin Mega Fucking Great Brain Busting Quality). Your character has three bars; health, mana and endurance (endurance is how many actions you can do before you need to rest, because these are people, not Vikings who gain energy from devestating other people, or in my case being devastatingly handsome).

This game, as stated previously, is hard. Even at higher levels, you are unable to simply walk into a fray without expecting to be punished. This game requires CONSTANT VIGILANCE! And I'm serious about that. Super vigilant. Boy in a room with a priest vigilant.

So shield up, we have to watch our endurance bar, because when that is down to nothing we stagger, and that means we get punished. And I mean punished. Boy in a room with a priest punished.

Every fight is tactical because of this. Do I attack till the bar runs out? Or do I make sure I still have enough to effectively block? Should I roll or take the brunt of the attach to parry? This game is brilliant in that it practically forces you to do these things. Swinging your weapon and hoping for the best won't get you anywhere (because you're not a Viking).

There are only a few armour sets in the game, and some characters will start out with some of the best armour. This is because armour is actually armour. You move slower in the heavy stuff and are more easily detected. You can't roll properly in it, yet you take less damage and the chances of being knocked down are reduced significantly. Armour in this game is tactical, as I discovered when upon failing to beat a boss several times, I switched to less protective but much lighter armour and really slayed the shit out of his dragon. The resulting Viking stomp dance celebration started an earthquake in many small and undiscovered islands whose indigenous peoples who had never encountered an earthquake before and started worshipping the ground as a god who they had angered, and as such I am now, if rather informally, a deity in my own right.

One of the first things you'll die of in this game is the fact you can fall off cliffs and ledges and such. There is no invisible wall here to help you folks. And like Mario, it doesn't matter what upgrades you had before you got there, a fall is a fall and ultimately your demise. You'll start back at the levels Archstone, and face every enemy again. When you do die, you'll come back as a phantom, still able to do everything you could while you were alive but with reduced health. It's easier to just think that 75% of your max health IS your max health.

Most of you are thinking that after I play this game my room should look like someone's tried to install 'whack-a-mole' onto every surface in it, but this game is so incredibly rewarding when you finally defeat that Demon or when you finally reach that weapon that you forget the struggle and remain basking in the triumph.

Lastly, the graphics. The graphics are amazing, and the environments are beautiful. Every area is crafted to give a specific feeling. One level is so claustraphobic that I have to remind myself I am in a Viking hut, and not trapped in a multi-levelled dungeon. When it gets too intense I always have a Viking paper bag that I can breathe into, and my latest phobia support group is really friendly. Check them out, 'Horned Helpers' at http://www.wearevikingsthathelpothervikingscontroltheirfears.tk/.

The bosses you are aiming to bring down are massive and are perfectly suited to their environment, and the environment will always work in their favour. The satisfaction in defeating a demon on his home turf is much like the feeling of your axe through a Twilight fan.

Demon's Souls isn't perfect, however, and the lock on system and the camera angles will, at times, have you gnashing your teeth and putting your axe through a Twilight fan.

Locking on can be dangerous, as enemies are just as likely to fall of edges as you are, and with the inability to swivel the camera to see anywhere else except for directly at the creature you are facing, there is always the chance the swing of your weapon will have you follow them off the edge of a cliff, or retreat off a cliff, or be backing away and have a cliff get in the way of what you're trying to see, so you stumble around and fall off a cliff.

Demon's Souls is a great game, a game so amazing that when they named it they used proper punctuation. It isn't Demons Souls, it's the possessive, Demon's Souls. Fuck yeah.

I can't give a game five out of five because then the gaming industry would shut down, citing the Viking gamer has found the perfect game and there would be no more point to producing anything else. Because I support the gaming industry and my fellow gamers, I will instead give this game 4.89 out of 5.

Til next time, the gamer with horns in his hat.