Starcraft II...2? How the hell do I make it look like it does on the box? What? I'm still typing? Oh shi

There is an old Viking saying: If you can't beat 'em, you're probably not a Viking.

As my loyal readers will know, I stated in a previous blog, my skills in Starcraft are not envied, not even by my grandmother who claims that she could beat me at it, and may she be 'dragon-slayed' if she's wrong.

My problem in this scenario is that she couldn't actually beat me at it, let alone figure out the acute differences between the keyboard and the screen, and possibly try to chew or eat the mouse. My problem, with this scenario, good readers, is that when Viking women are grandmothers, they tend to get a little hopeful when it comes to the concept. They then use the words 'dragon' and 'slay' as often as possible, especially in front of your Viking male friends or your prospective employer.


So yes, I sucked at Starcraft. Technically I still do, BUT, I suck a lot less than before and A LOT LESS than a lot of other people.

A lot of the fairly hardcore gamers out there will feel their respect for me go up a little (even though it should be at maximum anyway and will be duly Dragon Punched for their impudence). Why is that? Why is my ability at Starcraft something of value, a judgemental factor in a person/gamer?

The answer is as simple as it is complex. In short, Starcraft is an experience. An individualised, unique, personal experience. No two players will play the same way, or use the same armies, or use similar armies in the same way.

When asking a fellow gamer (Viking or no) about a game you both have, how many times is it about where one of you is up to in the game? Or how you beat a certain boss? Where to turn, where to go, what to do?

How often do you ask the question; 'How do you like to play it?'

And that's the beauty of Starcraft. It's your style you get to play, in every way.

Blizzard, in their infinite wisdom (I swear Vikings are running that place), haven't really changed the gameplay, and have thus kept the heart-racing strategic RTS game a perfectly balanced adrenaline fair that can be enjoyed by any level of gamer.

The most notable change in the game is it is now gorgeous. Supermodel gorgeous. Perhaps even Viking Gamer gorgeous.

Thanks to the fact I now have a Dwarvish assistant from the cold mountains of Vikingland working as my technician, I now have the technological means to bring you pictures of the things I do! Here is a picture of myself and some random guy playing against some other random guys, and here's the part where we fuck them up royally.

All I can say is: Boo. Yah.

What you can't see in the picture (because my awesome battle cruiser things are in the way) is that I have about 30 Immortals (awesome robot guys that go pow pow pow! and kill everything) going pow pow pow and killing everything.

We can all agree on is that the game is beautiful. It's large, bright and inviting, and simply a pleasure to look at while I'm making my plans on how to destroy my enemies.

It's worth noting Blizzard has managed to bring a unique style to every game they release. For instance, if we look at WoW, the characters are all large and bulky and cartoonish, keeping with the feel of Warcraft whilst making it larger than life. It is my firm belief as a genius Viking gamer that Blizzard knows intrinsically the looks and graphics that will appeal to their target audience. Looking at early videos of Diablo 3, I would say their touch is as strong as ever.

The great thing about Starcraft 2 (and 1 to a certain extent) is that it invites you to be tactical. It practically grabs you as you knock on the door, puts a drink in your hand and says 'let's tactic shall we?'.

There are two ways in which this is more present in the current Starcraft then it was in the original.

The first is that you don't really have to have any in-depth knowledge to use the abilities on offer. Sure, some abilities like Mind-storm (Protoss) take a little more finesse to use, but things like our good friend the Observer (Protoss) can lend even the worst player (my grandmother) the chance to use a shield against enemy fire or place an energy wall in the way of an opposing armies march. Siege tanks can be used by ineffective players (myself and my grandmother) to a great (and spectacular looking) effect, which further encourages us to try new things and be adventurous with our style.

The second is the simplification of tactics. Terran supply depots, for instance, can now submerge. So, say your in your pathetic earthling base (go Protoss! WOO!) and you don't want no alien scum (those racist earthlings) coming in and eating your babies, you would build a line of supply depots to keep them out. Luckily, with the ability to submerge, you can let your own troops in and out of your base at will! How extraordinary!

To prove my point, I am still fairly shite at this game yet manage to pull off a certain amount of tactical brilliance. Here I am in action:

Your champion Viking Gamer under attack from a vile purple enemy.

Here I am, running to my allies, turning on my shield as my Zerg brethren un-burrow themselves (I minored in Viking photography, hence the best screenshot ever).

And lastly, the turn and pwn. Two very simple abilities used in conjunction to make me look much, MUCH better than I am.

One of the things that separates Starcraft from other RTS is how perfectly balanced it is. Having played my fair share of RTS games (and being GREAT at all of them [except a few {alright nearly all of them}]), I can only guess at how hard it is for a developer to create varying races or different armies and make sure none have a starting advantage over another. However, Blizzard (the Viking geniuses) have made an RTS that is perfectly balanced. Every army has its own strengths, weaknesses and unique abilities, so every game is going to be fair (unless you're versing my grandmother).

So what else can I say about this game? MANY THINGS!

Finding your friends online is literally painless. Unlike every game I've ever tried to play using Steam, which makes me want to punch God in the throat in rage, Battle.net have decided to take the 'Undiluted Viking Rage' out of 'finding someone to play with'. You can add your friends by putting in your facebook details! FINALLY FACEBOOK HAS A GAMING USE! (And no, Farmville is not a game).

In the 30 or so matches I've played online, I don't think I've even waited 4 minutes before I was placed in a match. When the game was released, peasants everywhere must have rejoiced. See, peasants aren't stupid. They knew if the wait for multiplayer was long and arduous, they woulda known a certain Dragon Punch wielding Viking would come down hard on their lives.

The game also cleverly, happily, and beautifully, records your ten most recent battles, just in case you wanted to check over them. Starcraft II, now with customer service.

I can honestly say Starcraft II is a pleasure to play. I would love to give it 5/5, but as mentioned before, I can't.

So here is the bad thing about Starcraft II: there is a unit in it that is called the Viking, and it's an airship. Not a REAL Viking. Boo on you Starcraft, Boo...on...you.

Anyway, Starcraft II gets 4.90 out of 5, and the chance to be my wife if it ever becomes a hot Viking woman.

Till next time, the gamer with horns on his hat.