Enslaved

Before I begin my review of Enslaved, I have a statement to make:

The natural state of any vegan should be dead.

Why is this? Well, for one if I ever see another one or have another pamphlet passed onto me about veganarisms or whatever it's called, I will make it my personal mission to hunt one down and use his skin to create canvas that will then be turned into anti-veganism campaign posters.

Secondly, it's because not eating meat is stupid. My diet consists of Bison, Moose, meat, and vegetables (of course by vegetables, I mean an animal that has a diet consisting only of vegetables, and as we are what we eat, I'm technically eating medium-rare bull/oats).

Nothing is worth making pamphlets for (except for anti-veganism). So why cut down trees or make plastic copies (which both destroy the habitats of all of gods delicious creatures) and them hand them to me?

Is it because we're superior to these animals? Apparently yes and no. Morally we are superior because we have the choice to not eat meat. But we aren't any different from animals, we're alllll equal on the foodchain, it's just that we're morally superior. But not different, equal, except for morals in which we are superior.

That argument has a roughly circular shape to it.

If those pasty tofu munching morons want me to be equal or act my part in the animal kingdom, then I am going to eat their babies. Lots of animals eat the young of their species. It promotes evolution and strength and pure unadulterated taste sensations. And imaggine that, ME, the Viking Gamer, eating away at a part of the gene pool that wants to stop my consumption of bacon. Therefore, I have resolved to eat one vegan baby for every pamphlet I receive.


Onto Enslaved.




Enslaved is about balance. Balance of power, balance of nature, and a fair balance of good gaming and some really poor design.

Our main character, Monkey, escapes from a slave ship travelling over the remnants of a post-apocalyptical New York city with no help from the mysterious woman who escapes moments before him.

Having climbed, dived and dodged around the crashing slave ship, Monkey reaches the escape pod the strange woman is in. Refusing to let him enter, she engages the escape pod with Monkey still hanging on and crashes into the ruins of New York.

On Monkeys awakening, the woman is sitting watching him suspiciously, and informs him that she has put a slave headband on his brow and that she needs him to help her get back to her colony. Monkey cannot refuse, and if he does, he dies. If her heart stops for any reason, he dies. If he goes forward with helping her, there's a damn good chance he'll be cut down by robots and then die.

So Monkey is pretty much fucked.

This relationship between two characters is not uncommon in gaming. What is common, however, is the lack of any kind of anger or emotional outburst from the person who is put in the delicate situation.

Monkey, on the other hand, was going to kill her. Straight up rip her head off with his gigantic steroid abuse arms. From that moment I vowed to finish the game, because, quite simply, if I was in that scenario (which I would never be {and if I was unconscious in front of a woman she would lose control of herself and have her way with me and when I came to she would be waiting with my breakfast and the slave headband on her head and begging me to tell her what to do}) I would have done the same thing.

The relationship between Trip (that conniving bitch) and Monkey (that giant steroid chugging guy) continues to evolve through the gameplay and is quite an essential part of the gameplay.

Because this video was made for purely aesthetic reasons (and looks like shit due to technical issues) there are many points of this gameplay I'm going to have to explain through words.

Enslaved is pretty much Uncharted. It has to be said. The gameplay concept is incredibly similar with minor, but MEANINGFUL, differences.

The first is the use of Trip. Trip is super useful, as she can hack the shit out of machinery, let of an emp burst that will temporarily destabilise any robot attackers, and also provides some woman to look at if you get tired (and jealous) of looking at Monkey's incredible physique (it's the reason I rarely take off my shirt, too many suicides {because I'm so well muscled, not because of my back hair}).

Trip can is also plays the role of support woman and complete burden, as is the role of most woman, and vital in the role of a wife.

Because the ruins of New York are scattered with gun turrets and robots with guns and flying guns and just generally with things that want to shoot you, it's up to Monkey to keep Trip alive and it's up to Trip to help Monkey survive. So when Monkey needs to tear down a turret with his bare hands Trip can use one of her gadgety doo-dads to create an illusion that the turrets will shoot at until it runs out of power. Monkey, if he needs to create a distraction for Trip, will simply lean out and shout 'Hey!' (which just goes to show that men are more efficient than women) before using the command to have her follow him.

This is where the difference between Enslaved and Uncharted becomes more pronounced, and ultimately makes me appreciate Enslaved more, as well as provides me with a segue into other facets of the game.

Whereas Uncharted required you to be sneaky in some places, and was the better option in nearly every account, Enslaved enables you to go in and just rip some metal monsters to shreds. How does he do this? With a futurisitic extendo staff which he uses like a god-damn pro. The extendo staff (it's just what I'm calling it, Vikings have discovered and named shit for centuries! No need to thank me, Planet Earth) is what makes this game more fun than Uncharted. Using guns was all well and good, but when there is no auto-aim or aiming help or first person abilities, its just too hard to aim. You could change the controller sensitivity, but what's the point when it throws out the rest of the game that doesn't need the controls to be that sensitive?

Another thing about Enslaved is that every fight and evasion scenario are on some kind of timed basis. Either the wall protecting you will crumble or the enemies will call for back up or Trip will be in danger, and in any sense you can't waste time fucking around.

The combat in the game isn't too complex and not entirely rewarding, but still requires you to keep on your toes...just a little.

When you purchase an upgrade from Trip that lets you detect what the enemy is currently doing or about to do (blue for blocking, red for attacking, yellow for vulnerable) the combat becomes much easier, more decisive and much, MUCH easier to handle. You're able to both block and roll (though not simultaneously DUUURHEHER) which is great because you can't block most of the larger enemies attacks. Which is how it should be. Imagine if somoneone could block my attacks! I wouldn't eat at night! I'd be hungry alllllll the time!

Despite the combat being fluid and easy to control, Monkeys normal running around lacks initiative. When running to an obstacle that I am able to jump over I find that there are too many occasions where I'll just run into it and stop or run into it and go into a roll or run into it and turn around. In a game where running, climbing and general Monkey-ing (hahahHAHA!) around is the basis of the game, the controls have to be intuitive to create for a smooth ride.

Having said this, Monkeys movements are superbly realisitic and resemble the movements, confidence and climbing ability of an actual monkey. His reaction to explosions, falling and climbing are all a joy to watch and show that the future of gaming is going to look just awesome.

I'm going to give Monkey a 5/5 for his reaction to being enslaved by a woman he could use as a toothpick or back hair comb, and the game 4/5 women being used as back combs.

Til next time, the gamer with horns on his hat.